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What Is Dominance?
Being dominant isn't as easy as picking up a handful of clothes-pegs and wanting to put them on someone. Nor is it the repeated chastisement, or humiliation of someone else. It's not just a good flogging, or a good scene. They may be avenues of approach, but they are not the entire story.
It's the inner working, and the mind of a dominant that slaves and submissives find so appealing. The strength and sexuality they exude. The wisdom’s they impart and the vulnerability they willingly show ... On just the right occasions.
What is dominance, and what does it involve? What does it mean?
At the most base level it involves being in control, of if not of the
people and things around you, then at least of yourself. It means learning not
to take the bait, when people want to set up arguments and fights. It means
learning to listen not only to what people are telling you but also to the
things they aren't telling you. It means being confident, but not overbearing.
A true dominant is strong within themselves first and foremost. It is this inner strength they draw on, and learn to lean upon in times of need. They are also very well balanced and can tend to be somewhat withdrawn. This stemming from the fact that they realize one need not be domineering; in order to dominant. They are in control and they know it, and must appreciate such things in order to retain control of themselves, and their emotions, actions and reactions. This is one ingredient.
A true dominant is a survivor, and understands where they have been and knows where they want to go. They know they can handle and persevere, even grow through almost anything and this too is a source of strength. They have chosen to take the hardships in their life and turn them into lessons and helpful experiences. A true dominant does not feel the need to have their submissives endure these same hardships, but would rather use the experience to protect them from such. This is another ingredient.
Most respectable dominants also feel a desire to learn and explore, to investigate. I wouldn't say it's curiosity however, because a good dominant is more serious than curious about their investigations and learning’s of new areas and fields. They pursue an interest with much interest and drive, yet without the flightiness associated with "curiosity."
They are open-minded, but only to a certain extent, as some rules weren't meant to be broken. This is also part of most good dominants. Knowing when to let something drop, and when to be bull headed about getting their way, and then delicately going about achieving the end result they desire.
It's about learning to be concerned not just for yourself but the well being
of all of your slaves. Understanding, their desires and needs, and seeing how
they might fit into yours. Not about trampling them over and making like those
needs are foolish and irrelevant, because they aren't.
One of the first realizations most dominants come to is that one has much more control out of the spotlight than in it. That the sound and light crews, have just as much responsibility, and dominance over the final outcome of the show, as those on stage do.
But, being in the spotlight also carries with it it's own set of demanded and required protocols. It means knowing when and how to bend, or give ... And much of the time ... To seem like you haven't budged an inch. Spotlight dominance requires political adeptness, and if you want to maintain it ... An extremely high level of self-control.
Opting to take a backseat, and be out of the spotlight has advantages and drawbacks as well. People may not come running so quickly, but those who do will not be so much "fans" as viable, prospective slaves. Errors, both small and large are more easily forgiven as well. Being out of the spotlight gives you more leeway in your methods and areas of training, as well as the scrutiny of that training, being far less. In the end, from what I have seen and in my experiences, from my perspective ... There are far more advantages than disadvantages to remaining in the shadows and allowing others the spotlight.
It is up to you and your preferred position, but I would caution and remind … The longer the climb up that ladder, the harder the fall down.
A most common question on the part of submissives to dominants is; "Do you get something off this? Some kind of a high or something?" And done correctly and using all the right input lever's and energy exchanges, (or control drama's when need be), the answer to that question should be "Yes!".
As much as a submissive goes into "subspace" during a scene and revels in it, so too do dominants go into "domspace."
The explaining why and how of that is fairly confusing but I'll try. Every living thing on the planet has it's own energy field (or life-force), and each life-force is a raw form of un-harnessed energy. We are electric, magnetic, spiritually and psychically connected beings. Each of us has our own drive, ambition, pull, or push ... aura. When we concentrate strongly and focus on something we put much of our own energies into whatever it is we are concentrating on. In the case of say carving, needle work, painting and such it may not be known, because the object does not speak, but you can see it. It might be the "cleanest" work you've ever done, or the neatest stitches ever, or the best drawing you've ever "doodled." It gives a sense of you, and it becomes a part of you, and you of it.
( ... Where am I going with this? Pay attention and listen silly, you'll see.)
But we're talking people here and not creations ... Right?
Is a slave not something of your own creation? Something you came across in a semi decent condition. In good enough condition for you to have stopped along the way and picked it up ... Needs work though ... Training, and maybe even a lot of it. Time, attention, commitment, emotional involvement. Oh, what's that you say ... That you buy "things" or at least the parts and needed items to put them together as you wish it be ... (yes ok) ... But this is a human being not a "thing."
Allow me continue with my explanation please, about how you've come across this dilapidated house, or car, or piece of wood or cloth or leather that calls to you ... Or this person who desires be slave.
Sometimes you'll pay with cash for these items, sometimes they'll be given to you, sometimes you'll find them, sometimes you'll have paid through maintaining a friendship. One way or the other however we pay for everything we acquire. Whether that's emotionally, spiritually, with our energy, with time and attention or financially. One way or another, we must make that commitment to "pay" for these "things," or the relationship that made having it possible.
Usually the more involved, and the more you therefore "pay" for the items you create, recreate, or acquire ... The more that shows, the more beautiful it is and becomes, and the more enjoyment you get from it.
If you put your energy into the creation of that great car, house, picture, and it speaks so well of you. It makes you feel so good to know you've done it ... It returns so much to you. Imagine the possibilities with something that doesn't just absorb your life-force but magnifies it and reflects it back to you ...
Imagine if it was able to add it's own life force, and essences to it as it does return that energy to you. Imagine helping the source of that energy to grow and focus. Think on how much and how happily it would give to you, of this new and clearer energy, in gratitude and thanks. Imagine now, what this new burst of clear and focused energy might do for your own body and clarity of mind. Now imagine this added magnification returned to you ... Given to you as a gift. Not taken, or coerced, or controlled out of them.
When we first meet and we're more focused upon each other, we send our
clear energy to each other. A tangible connection, to assist.
When we talk to each other we listen more attentively. Thus focusing on the other person and transferring our energies back into them. When we give them that "boost" they find it easier to find words, and express themselves. The facts being sought in the conversation, don't need to be dug out of the memory, they are easily accessible. We have better, more electrifying sexual connections, more drive and ambition, this is evident in the increased energies overall which we experience on commencement of a relationship.
So the sensations of increased clarity and mental projection, preparedness,
recall and such that we seem to experience, or think we experience, are genuine
and true. We feel this ability to clearly state what we desire to say, and be
more energetic. We smile more, and feel better about ourselves overall, we don't
take things so personally, we are able to overlook the little things and we
interact better with everyone around us. Which is to say; many
positive reactions are felt. Many times there is just as much negative energies
being tossed around within the relationship too. At the outset however we
are inclined and prone to focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship,
as we enjoy the added energy our partner provides and the distraction from our
When we first become involved in any relationship, we tend to focus more of our uncluttered energies and life-force upon the new source of interest. We (generally) find ourselves to be able to give of that gift freely, and the high level of the relationship easy to maintain. The stronger our focus, and attentiveness the cleaner and clearer, the stronger, the energy which is being sent to the source of that focus.
As things progress and the relationship becomes secondary, and lost behind the clutter of life or part of it. The need for that added "jolt" that used to be found in the relationship (the one acquired from that clear, focused aimed energy), which used to be shared freely but which now has become forgotten and mundane, causes need for control dramas. All relationships are susceptible to falling prey to this malady. The reason for the relationship: business, friends, family or romance based relationship is irrelevant. We are also, individually susceptible to finding ourselves in situations of being prey to our own control dramas as well.
What does it matter if the energies are good or bad? And does it make a
difference over time?
The difference in the positive and negative energy being exchanged lies in the control drama being used and the feelings of the people on both sides. In the beginning of most relationships (or projects) we give of ourselves, our energy willingly. We think about it, and on it all the time, even when we're not with the person, or project. When we are with them we marvel at their "beauty."
When I say beauty I mean inner beauty. What it is you see in the chunk of wood, or metal, or fabric or flesh that other people don't see. The soul, the spirit, the life force, or energy. This is a good and clean, selfless, empowering energy exchange.
This type of energy exchange over long periods of time is the stuff that keeps people young and strong. It boosts immunities and helps people glow. It has been supposed that this is part of the reason pregnant women glow. Because they give energy so willingly to that which they are creating and that energy is returned to them in increasing amounts as the fetus grows. As the expectations increase and the relationship between mother and fetus becomes more and more cluttered with outside trivialities such as cloth or disposable diapers? Do I breast feed or use a bottle? Sleep with parents or in a crib? The need of others to have these questions answered causes mom to be on the receiving end of relentless interrogation, and various less than pure energies.
As these questions and any others come up, and the distractions set in, her own energy runs the risk of becoming cloudy and unfocused. For many by the time baby is ready to be born the questions have become the focus of their own energy, as opposed to marveling at the wonder of it all and enjoying those moments.
In work it might be that the job is taken and all is well. The drive and ambition is there. But slowly the concerns begin to once again take over; Am I good enough? What if I mess up? Or perhaps not getting along with someone in the office too well.
Rather than focus on the work, the fringe concerns of the job begin to wear at you and again the energy becomes unfocused. You give your energy to the office intimidator who won't stop pestering you about your books. Or the sexy but snotty co-worker, whom you never actually get to talk to, or the copier with attitude. By the time you get to your station to work, you've totally lost your focus and the "energy pollution" has set in. This in turn makes the work inferior and again you find yourself in a position of potentially large sums of negative energy.
Being the receptor of negative energies over long periods of times can cause sickness, physical deformity, and any number of potential medical problems. It can take years off your life and make you physically old, long before your time.
To clear the energies is simply to focus on what needs to be focused on. The relationship with the child is the primary concern, and with that comes a greater need to care for that relationship as opposed to the superficial clutter others wish to distract you with. The priority relationship is the child, not the friend or family member. Remaining focused on the primary relationship and issue at hand regardless of distractions is vital to maintaining an image of control, the questions of others and simple concerns, secondary.
The job on the table being done well, is the primary concern. The need to excel, to perform well within the power structure of the work crew, and be liked and accepted, secondary.
I should also mention that for a baby, crying is the only control drama they posses. Sometimes you may be intimidated and other times you may feel sorry for them, but this is where control dramas are first learned. To combat it just give of yourself and attention freely, talk quietly and be there for them. Much the same can be said of or for a slave.
Every living creature feels the need to control and be the biggest or most
powerful. It is in accomplishing that, they hope to receive positive energy.
Every other life force is involved in their own control dramas within their own
species, and outside of it as well.
Trees must be the biggest in the forest to survive. Animals must battle each other, and the environment in a bid to control it, or adapt their control to it, and thus survive. The giving over of places within the power structures, or packs, the food chain … All represent a trading of energies. It's a necessary evil. So don't feel bad about it or negative about it, it's a fact of life. We all do it. We must, to survive.
Just remember now you know what's going on, and perhaps part of why things change so much.
There are four basic control syndromes they are: The Interrogator, the
intimidator, poor me and aloof. They each have a basic function and personality
outside of and apart from each other and many of us support at least two of the
control dramas within ourselves.
The Interrogator is like a member of the Spanish Inquisition or Nazi guards or something like that. The basic idea is to ask a hundred and twelve questions so the interrogated might slip up or there might otherwise be fault found in the tale. They may be mild mannered and soft spoken, or harsh and abrupt ... But they are relentless in their Interrogating.
The Intimidator is like the school bully, the guy who black mailed you or chased you home daily. A teacher who liked to poke fun at you and humiliate you. The woman beater, or terror artist. Intimidators can intimidate in as many ways as there are fears to use. However what they are using is not nearly so vital as keeping that level of fear maintained.
Poor me is the person who plays at pity trips, and tales of woe. They are the masters of the guilt trip. They are the connoisseurs of playing wounded, and in need of someone's assistance. There is always a new reason to pity them, to focus clearly on their "sorrows and need." They thrive in adverse conditions because they tend to not want to come out of them. They are always in need of a Knight in Shining Armor, or the horse at least.
Aloof may be stuck up or shy, either way they're unattainable, unapproachable and inaccessible. They seem distant, and like you're always chasing them, trying to get them to talk to you. This is that person you were always trying to impress who didn't know you existed. The one who you were never good enough for, who could never thank you, or tell you how proud they were of you. The one who went to parties and sat in the corner and waited for people to notice they weren't involved in things, and the attention to turn to them.
Such are the roles to be played, and the options to choose from when
looking for attention.
Most of us got our control drama's from our parents, one was either a poor me or aloof and the other was an intimidator or interrogator.
We use them when we feel the need to have someone's energy. When we just need that extra little "jolt." When we seek to be in control and have no way to gain control, we all use control drama's.
... I was explaining how this all ties into d/s scenes
and relationships ...
Control is the basis of s/m. Being in control of a living source of energy means that their energies are entirely and totally focused on the source of that control (dominant). As the submissive becomes more and more focused on you, and your control over them increases and grows, this mysterious acceleration on the part of the dominant also occurs. An empowering and clarity comes to the dominant, direction is easily attained, they stumble across new ideas, everything (mentally) is focused and perfect ... Thanks to that additional "boost."
This is the gift of uncluttered, focused energy. You receive that gift because you are in control of the submissive, and yes, you do return it to them - In the love and emotion, in the focused attention you in turn give to your bottom.
Domination isn't just about control, it's about a willing power exchange, energy exchange. The better you learn to do this the better your scenes will be.
There is no gauge for it, no test, no proof. All I can say is that you will know and feel it and your bottom will as well.
It is through this type of exchange - In the eventual opening, and
willingly giving over of energies, that you require the ability to focus the
intent and will of your partner, and assist them in strengthening their own core
energy and becoming more comfortable with it. Because with that clarity,
with knowing not just the package but the force within it ... You can work
wonders, and you can do miracles. ... You can do magic.
That is why trust is paramount as well. Because without it you will never have your slaves fully open to you and your energy going to them. The bottom may even dispel it rather than accept it. So one must know how to elicit trust, and respect.
A good dominant will be able to guide their slave into this state of energetic exchange without effort, or props. Because it is here, that the best things are seen and done.
When fully in this state it is almost akin to a joint hypnosis, and so one "will" must prevail. Without a "stronger will" or dominant, there is no direction, no further seeking and clarity. Instead when this state is attained there is a stagnation and a growing unease which can result in an number of explosive finalizations of the relationship. You must remain in control, fully understanding what you are doing and where it is you desire to head with the slave.
The more one works to understand the control dramas and achieve higher amounts of that energy exchange the more they will come to realize that the best results are attained without the control drama.
(I just lost half the room and I know it ... *wink*)
Using the control dramas works, yes. But it's the cheap and sleazy method of doing things. It's the job half done, and done badly.
It's coercing someone to give over that "boost" which then only serves to make it tainted and corrupted and never quite good enough. For some bottoms however (and I must caution) use of control drama's is the only way by which they know to operate and are comfortable in the giving over of themselves. I however don't recommend an ongoing and continued use of the control drama. I find it gets too dirty and petty and one begins to suffer from *Top's Syndrome. (*See later areas of chapter)
To begin a scene, to work out the scene ... Sure find your places, or markers and stand by them, ok use a control drama if need be. But ... Might I suggest however that some of you try talking less and enjoying more.
If you find you must talk why not try something off the beaten path ... Compliment. Encourage, nicely. Describe what you're doing.
Let the control drama drop (having attained the level of focus you needed), and see if you can maintain your "high."
If you think you might like a test I suppose that might be a decent place to start ... Scening without the use of words. Lay down the ground work, then see if you can maintain it; without words. How much control do you really have?
Focus your energies on what you are doing, the sensations and emotions you want achieved in your playmate and don't worry about the clutter of words. You might even be taken for playing at being aloof and so they wouldn't even realize the exchange has been freed. You no longer need to take or demand, they just simply give.
As much as a dominant must know and understand that those are the postures,
and positions from which control is achieved ... So too then must the bottoms!
(Uh-oh) They use them as well ... And many times better, and more effectively
than the dominants do ... Sad, but true.
The sniveling, whining sub complaining about how he needs a beating, because he's been such a bad boy ... Is playing out which control drama? The guy who claims he's a bottom but yet could never submit to a woman, and isn't bi. The woman who doesn't want to submit (herself) but is all questions about the subject? ... Is playing out which control drama? The "make me" sub? The sub whose been looking for a one Dominant, one slave relationship and harasses those with more than one slave? The sub who enjoys being aggressively, profanely rude? The sub who insists ...
They use them as much as we do. So knowing this how then does one go about re-attaining the upper hand?
Name the control drama. It's that simple. Ask them why they think they have sought your pity, rather than your priase ... Or ... Why they are trying to intimidate you into dominating them. What is it that is causing them to interrogate you so relentlessly ... Why it is when they have willingly given the control over to you ... That now they are "dramatizing" in order to get that control back. Or what is causing them to feel they have indeed given that control over and you’ve taken it?
It's really and truly that simple.
I'd like to do a small question and answer type forum here and touch on a few other things, if you don't mind.
Why do so many bottoms take issue with their dominants being emotional,
doing such things as crying?
It is believed this is a multi-layered problem. Many submissives don't know what to do or how to react in a situation, which is totally alien to them. They also worry they might be the cause of the upset, and so trying to help calm someone would only make it worse, or encourage an attack upon the slave.
Another perspective is that the slave may feel the dominant to be unemotional and in that regard stoic, and so again this reality being altered might present some degree of shock.
Why is this a problem for bottoms? (Emotional dominants)
If a top becomes too emotional the slave may find any number of predicaments and situations showing up. For some slaves even a small show of emotion, good or bad becomes something of focus, probably in part due to that concern, of it either being "their fault," or insofar as they worry these emotions will be turned upon them.
A good slave will know too, the closer one is held to the heart, the lower it has the potential of falling; in falling from that grace. This concern has potential for causing problems as well.
So what is dominance?
It is an internal strength, involving being in full control of yourself. It involves being strong in your own faiths and beliefs and knowing, trusting yourself. It means listening to people and learning how to encourage and illicit their trust, in themselves – Their own decisions and choices. This facilitates an easier and cleaner energy exchange. It is controlling with a gentle hand and clear heart.
It is helping someone to grow and explore themselves, and their sexuality without fear or hesitation, and providing the direction and safety in which to do it.
It is being an awesome friend.
It uses positive reinforcement, and supportive methods.
What makes one person dominant, while another is not?
If that is what one finds in real dominance ... Then it is jealousy, immaturity, ego interference - Being domineering and bossy rather than being dominant and controlling, is not dominance. Not understanding, or only understanding a part of what it is they are doing or where they want to go with it, directly contradicting themselves (look at the floor ... Look at me when I talk to you ... Look at the floor is a good example). Control dramas used to negative ends and means. These are all things one would associate with immaturity and control conflicts within the practitioner. None are seen as dominance.
Do we all have it and just not recognize it?
We all take part in energy exchanges and direction of that energy, yes. We all require a natural amount of it in order to survive, and to function. The question here is one of the core senses though and who is truly in control. Being dominant is one of those things where the common belief says you're either born with it or not. It can be developed and grown. But if you don't have a high or strong bearing with it, you can not acquire it.
I think perhaps at some point it may be acquirable, although I'm not sure I would know about how to go about such, other than to endeavor to do more with what was talked about earlier ...
How does someone go about strengthening internal dominance?
They must find the answers to that within themselves, because I do not know where their weakness’ lie. If they fall prey to the control dramas of their slaves, that is helped in naming the control drama. If it is uncertainty and fear, they must simply leave such behind and work harder on focusing on their goals. The biggest thing to remember is that when control of situations and life in general is out of your hands ... Stay in control of yourself, your own actions, reactions, and emotions. Being upset is alright, as long as it's not an out of control kind of upset.
Doesn't being dominant mean being abusive and mean?
It shouldn’t. Being abusive and mean is being abusive and mean. Being dominant is being strong and in control, of yourself and your actions and reactions. Being mean and abusive taints the energies being exchanged with fear. This is not the connection that a responsible Dominant likes to feel. Dominants are not fear mongers, but personal growth experts, and pruners.
Why do most dominants not get along together?
My personal belief on this question is that they are using many of the same control dramas. That they are more accustomed to accepting energies from other people but not needing to give them out to the level another dominant would be used to either. That they are not used to another being able to play out the control dramas so well, and thus become agitated.
So neither is good enough, or will be good enough in the others eyes, because they have become too accustomed to functioning within those control dramas and playing the same games under different rules.
Is it the slave's responsibility to help the Top out when they are having an
A real slave will be there for their dominant no matter what, both by intuition and training. They would never abandon their dominant when needed - And especially not in a time of crisis, emotional or otherwise. It is their responsibility to be there insofar as they have committed to doing just that (being there) and being of use to their dominant. A dominant shouldn't have to tell their slave that they are needed and their support or shoulder or ear is needed either.
Is it the dominant’s responsibility to be there for the bottom under similar
The same is to be said of dominants being there for their slaves. There might be times when you have to get them to talk themselves to their own solutions. Especially if you don't know the situation overly well. You may have to just be there and listen to them. Or it may mean that you must give them the direction to make a difference in the situation, or a task which causes them to reflect upon their dilemma in a different way, and thus find a solution. But being there for the bottom is something the dominant has committed to doing as well, in situations both good and bad ... And so yes. It is their responsibility to be there for a slave if they are needed.
Why do bottoms have problems with dominants submitting to another dominant,
even if the dominant is doing it to learn?
This is like seeing your old neighborhood again after many years. Or the house you grew up in after renovations. It doesn't change the hurt of the change any less. It doesn't matter if that change is good or bad, you remember and think of it *this* way, and now that's gone.
For some bottoms the thought of their dominants being on their knees to another dominant is enough to almost kill them, and would surely bring tears. To have something so strong, so sure ... To see such great beauty in something, in that form ... Reduced somehow to anything less, is insufferable.
It's almost a form of emotional abuse to some slaves, as there is nothing they can do to help or change things. Their "treasured and worshipped dominant" is risking being beaten, and chastised, and treated as less than the slave believes they should ever be treated as. They may wonder if this is some form of self-abuse the dominant is inflicting upon herself ... Or they may simply fear that they have been submitting themselves to a submissive, or being asked to serve the other who they already dislike. The thoughts and possibilities are many. Talk to your bottoms before undertaking such an endeavor, it may mean the difference between happiness and misery.
Top's syndrome: When one figures they can do nothing wrong, and will not hear what the bottom is telling them regardless of how it is put. When dominating everyone and everything becomes the focus of attention, and paramount to the "afflicted."
Has anyone run across it?
Oh I bet a few of you have. It's a possible side effect of suffering from a bloated ego. Of being worshipped all the time, and adored.
How did they deal with it?
The dominants: decided they had to do something to remind themselves they are human. For some this is the point in time when they find themselves submitting to another dominant, who understood the situation.
The bottoms: most of them just hide I think, from what I've seen watching it. Some will stick around and make valiant efforts to worship and adore to this new unattainable level of perfection and glory. Commendable, but sad.
God or Goddess Syndrome: When bottoms get so caught up in worshipping their
tops that they can't perform for them sexually. When it becomes sacrilege
(in the bottom's mind) to behave in such a manner, or commit such acts with
their dominant. That they (the slave), are not worthy of such attentions
or affections, regardless what the dominant tells them. It's actually a fairly
This is one of those things that occurs with amazing frequency, and much more often than most people know, or realize. What happens is the slave puts the dominant high upon a pedestal. They then either go about lowering themselves into nothingness (sappy slaves) or pushing that pedestal ever higher (over worshippers). The end results are always the same though ... A battle ensues whereby the dominant need coerce the slave into worshipping as the dominant desire, as opposed to whatever the slave thinks they should be doing.
Are there any ideas on solutions?
We have the option of ordering our slaves to be more as we want them to be, or need them to be. To assist them in pleasing us and fulfilling us so we do have obligations to seeing this change through. Ordering it is one possible solution. Ignoring it and barreling through to the desired final outcome, is another possible route of approach. Feigning extreme need and assistance might do the trick ... Remember the control dramas and see if you can open them up using one of those somehow.
How does a dominant maintain that, or should they?
Be perfect? I don't know. I don't like to be placed that high upon a pedestal myself, because then this becomes more and more of an issue, and I become crippled with the over attentiveness of a slave who won't permit me to do anything for myself. Or worse who dictates what is and isn't proper for me to be doing.
I wouldn't maintain it, and I do go about being imperfect and making mistakes (even intentional ones sometimes) just so that isn't quite so likely to happen.
You may desire to have various levels of slaves within the infrastructure of your stable however, and assign a couple of slaves this position of never ending worship and tolerance. You might find it stimulating. And with the right mindsets (someone with the like mindset of a servant whose family has served the royals for four generations type thing) it might even prove entertaining as opposed to tiresome.
Alright, well if you'll all take your seats again we can return to the issue at hand.
Thank you for all of your questions and concerns, and you do all know (I hope) that you can e-mail me anytime with any others you might have ... And I'll see about coming up with answers for you.
Need VS. Want;
Right now I wanted to touch on one of those things that is often overlooked and should never be. Want vs. Need.
What is a want, and what is a need? How do we as dominants discern the wants and needs of our slaves?
Does it matter if we fulfill one kind and not the other? Which one is more important ... The need or the want?
Ok well I'm a storyteller and like you to relate things to other things, so that you understand and make sense ... Let's all go back to being kids ... There was one certain toy you wanted. A doll, a truck, a lite-brite set ... I don't know. But it was something you wanted ... Thought you'd die without. Was sure the world, or at least YOUR world revolved around that item.
For me personally it was a Wendy Walker doll... Remember her? 3 ft Tall, and was big enough that she wore kids clothes? I wanted a Wendy Walker some fierce. When I was 9 years old I remember wanting that doll.
Did I get her? ... Yep I did ... When I was 21.
Was this a mistake? Yes ... Why? ... Was tactless, rude, and immature.
What happened here, that went so wrong? I did get the doll ... However by the time I got her I was far grown out of her, it came across (to me) as an insult. My parents took this "item" as a want, not a need. But if I hadn't got any other thing that year for Christmas ... Just only my Wendy Walker ... I would have been in heaven. They would have been my hero's. My opinion of them would have increased, my self-esteem boosted. I would have been on top of the world. It wouldn't mattered what anyone else got, or wanted. I would have been simply overjoyed.
But I didn't get it ... I got a bunch of other junk I don't remember. My parents no doubt spent a lot more money than they needed to. Wasted a lot of energy running around getting all that other stuff ... And all they needed to get me was that doll.
(Hold it ... How did that "want," get to being a" need?")
It became a need when my sense of self worth and value hung on it. It became a need for me to have them acknowledge that they heard me, and acknowledged my requests. It wasn't just a doll anymore. It was an extension of my relationship with them. One of many that failed.
It was ignored, and taken as a want. They themselves failed to see the importance I was placing upon the relationship in that want. The way I was wanting the relationship with them to improve, was managing to somehow be placed, or projected upon this doll. It wasn't "just a doll."
If they did get her for me ... If I would be so lucky to have her under the tree on Christmas morning it meant that they had heard my requests. That they thought I was worth enough to make sure I got some of what I wanted. That if they did hear me and desired me to have some of my wants fulfilled, that showed they did care for me. In that one simple act it would have shown me they did indeed love me.
Understanding what is going on in someone's head while they're telling you their wants, is an unfathomable issue, granted - And far be it for me to argue that.
But as a Dominant it is your responsibility to at least try. None of us will ever always get it right, we can only hope that we do get it right the times when it really matters. That we are attentive and in tune with our slaves enough to be able to intuitively know their wants and needs as much as we expect them to know ours.
If it comes up habitually, or if there is something going on that doesn't make any sense to you, ask about it. Sit down and have a chat about the problem, the issues behind it, the solutions, the outcomes. But remain in control of yourself and your actions, do not re-act, and do not take the issue personally; if you ask and dig you are likely to find some historical reference which is likely affecting the present situation or your slave's perception of it. Work on that and the current malady should resolve.
Giving into wants all the time is foolishness. It hinders your path of
training and (put simply), turns you into your slaves' puppet, and so this
You have to be half way like a parent, or teacher, counselor, priest or some such and gently through guidance, training and praise; help them to find their own right and best paths to their own inner self growth.
You need that to happen because this is what gives the slave confidence, esteem, pride ... Self respect within the collar. Praise and rewards are vital to good training and proper embedding of behaviours and desired reactions.
Just because a slave wants something doesn't mean they've earned it or have shown cause for it to be given over to them. Remember the control syndromes again ... Look at your slaves expressing themselves and become more attuned to discerning for yourself whether this is a genuine want becoming a need or if the desire is solely a desire, or if the true issue is something altogether different.
Listen and pay attention to them. Don't argue out the other side in your head and cut the slave off when a need arises to express something. This is as much a time when you need to focus in on them, as when scening is.
Dominance invokes a willingness regarding taking the time, energy, and
patience, to learn these things. Without them you simply have domineering,
belligerence, jealousy, and ego. None of these are emotions reinforcing a long
term commitment, and connection.
They look alright on the surface, but underneath where the truth grows ... They fester until things go terribly awry and become problematic, even painful - for both sides.
You can do it ... Your slaves desire to help you attain your goals, and if not, or they are self centered, seek out new ones who will serve you as you desire to be served. As you need be served.
Don't forget your needs either while seeking out those of your bottoms. If you are not being served as would pleasure and please you, then it is not of highest service to you.
If it is not of highest service to you ... You are letting your slaves down in not permitting or demanding them to serve you to the utmost of their capability and please you as much, or as well as they might.
The greatest gift to a bottom is a smile, a kind word, touch,
a play session. Just
as the greatest gift they give to you is of themselves and their inner beauties
and souls ... So the same can be said of your greatest gift to them.
To me the commitment of a collar is a life long commitment from and on both sides. It is something I can trust in always being there. That this - Is my chosen family.
I also think the bottoms need to know such from us as tops as well. They
may often come to feel we demand of them, and return nothing so they slowly
revolt. And yet that commitment (like any) must be slow in coming or will
intimidate them into running off to the other side of the planet.
Bottoms will fall in and out of your good graces many times over the course of the relationship, and hopefully lives. They and you will come to learn, see, and understand that this relationship like all others, it will peak and ebb. The trick is riding the waves, not being swamped by them.
Hopefully though you will also be able to maintain the image of almost attainable perfection, illicit a desire to attain (or seek out) these new levels. Perfection would of course be unattainable, or at least highly unlikely until well into the slave's life.
Many slaves or bottoms will find once they are standing again on their own
two feet they want to run. Let them go. Like a bird on regained wings, they want
to fly ... Perhaps they will return, perhaps not. But be calmed and happy within
your heart - Find peace knowing that this flight was made possible with wings
given to them from you. In knowing now when that help is needed ... If they need
you they will return to you. You have done right by them in the past.
Do not hold them to you, it will only create dissention and distrust.
If you want to permit both, you might undertake a temporary freedom "visa." So that the individual might have a chance to find whatever it is they must seek, and yet gives you that cause to check in on occasion.
God or Goddess Syndrome
Depending on the reasons and mentalities surrounding the issue and your
desired final result ... You may or may not want to push the issue.
For those who think you are too good for them you might try elevating their stature as well. It does no good to lower yourself, you must raise them up.
For those who fear failure, you may just have to insist and then give praise, not complaint.
For others a blindfold and restraints and the only thing available is a mouth and genitalia, is more comfortable and viable.
Those who are concerned about emotional involvement ... And those other difficulties you will have to use your own sense of intuition and intelligence.
There are times, and slaves who are genuinely not prepared or desirous of serving you in this manner. Others are being ornery, scared, or argumentative.
So maybe a "visa" to go to and play with someone else would help, or finding a method of personal and sexual improvement. Of course too, you could always endeavor to train them and keep them as a sex slave, which would then require they appease your needs (as it were). The key is communication, and if the slave will not willingly communicate the issue to you or is unclear about it, feel free to send it away indefinitely. This is your right, feel free to invoke it.
Positive and Negative Reinforcement
Discipline is negative reinforcement. In other words, this is to say that when a slave misbehaves and you physically punish them you are feeding directly into their desire for scenes and "playing" ... You are reinforcing that negative behaviour with a reward. Unkind or not, this was what they wanted or they wouldn't be here.
Demanding that scenes, and play, only be done as a reward, serves much better.
Personally I know all of my slaves are made fully aware of the fact that I will not discipline without such having been earned. And there is no such thing as a perfect slave or a perfect job, done. It could have been faster, is everything put away again neatly, is everything being followed totally. So if I do "want an excuse" ... As a perfectionist, there's always a number of them available.
For instance let’s say I told a slave to scrub the bathrooms for me. This
means the whole of the bathroom ... Countertops, soap dishes, mirrors, medicine
cabinet shelves and top, walls and floor ... As well as the toilets, sinks and
Now ... How much do you want to bet that a slave will forget at last ONE of those items.
And if I spank them (which is what they want me to do) ... For an improper job ... How much do you want to bet it will not be complete next time either.
You have shown them that to get what they want they should misbehave. That is negative reinforcement.
What do I do?
Well I'll tell them they aren't to leave the bathroom until I say it is all
done. And I don't rightly care if slave will be late for meetings. I said I want
it done I want it done, not 1/2 way or until SLAVE is happy. But completely and
until I am happy with it. If they're going to be late, they had best get a move
on, and be sure it is done thoroughly and correctly then ...
When it does finally get done (the way I want it to be done) they invariably have to leave and so I remind that next time the "job" should be done this well the 1st time, and much quicker. Otherwise next time (as this time) they will again have no time to be rewarded for their improved behaviour and demeanor.
Some of them never come back, and those who do now fully realize they are
here to serve me ... Not the other way around. If they desire my rewards they
will give me ample, and just cause to consider such an endeavor ... Otherwise it
will simply fail to materialize.
I figure it takes time out of my day to play with slaves. Time I can't get back, and in which I still have other things which could be done. So if a slave saves me time and effort then ok I can return it to them. If however they don't save me either of those things ... If I have to follow them around the house while they vacuum, and then rant and rave over the poor job they've done. Well then, all of my time and energy is now spent. I am not a bottomless well ... They have chosen to use this as such and that was their choice. They can keep that in consideration on the next visit, to any dominant ... Not just myself.
Hopefully should they seek out another dominant, she will also be a
positive reinforcement person as opposed to one who enforces under negative
conditions. Because soon that slave will realize they are not here to have their
fantasies fulfilled (that's a whores job, not yours), but rather to serve and
The other advantage to positive reinforcement is that you need not be cruel to be mean. In other words if you are always kind of speech, and light of demeanor ... When you do turn mean, it's twice as bad. If you are always mean, never happy, never satiated, then this reaction is to be expected and nothing is learned. Every time you desire to show or teach something you must then become meaner and crankier, and soon you're just simply never in a good mood, and everyone is left wondering what the point was ...
The negative reinforcement serves only to show slaves you like them to misbehave, and so that is why they will misbehave more and more. This is also why you will become more and more aggravated, stressed and unimpressed, and less and less will get done. I mean why work for half an hour and then be spanked, when you can screw up right off the hop and get spanked?
If however, that time and attention needs be earned ... If it is not meted out as discipline, but rather as a reward ... Things will change drastically. All of the sudden those chores are done, quickly, completely, and happily. Those slaves will want to help you, to make you happy and to help you smile. This will serve you a few ways. First the chore is done and done well. Second you now have that time, and energy, to play. Third you will look forward to seeing the slave and they you. Fourth the slave now feels productive and well looked after, they will strive harder in the future to please you even more, and earn ever better sessions. Fifth you are now feeling productive, smiling and in a good mood to move onto your next item on the daily agenda, whatever that might be.
Be positive rather than negative. Focus on what was done correctly as opposed to the flaws. At least until such a time as the slave seems to feel as though they can do anything they desire and you will still praise. They can screw up all they want and you will still find good in the effort, or may even feel that you don't really notice their efforts. That is the time to discipline intently. The time to begin pushing for greater effort, setting a new standard and demand they now adhere to the next level of "play." Should someone suddenly go from being Mrs. Sunshine into the dominant from hell ... The point is fairly clear ... "I'm not impressed with this ... "
Suddenly they're scrambling to change behaviours and really, honestly make an effort. The slave knows there was a time when bringing a smile to your lips was easy, and so now they will strive to do so again. They know that you will not put up with those who cause you to be so upset for any length of time, as you have no desire to get trapped into a negative energy cycle. They know they only have a few days to fix things, and to verify improvement, or they're history.
Think we'll see a concerted effort on the part of that slave in order to improve? I'm betting I will.
Natural, and service orientated
When one takes it upon themselves to train their slaves in this manner, as opposed to succumbing to the common philosophies on negative reinforcement ... They begin to create a service orientated slave, one whose greatest pleasure and gift is bringing a smile to your lovely face.
I myself do very much enjoy those who are natural slaves, and prefer them inexperienced. That way I need not battle the learned habit of negative reinforcement.
Now - As much as we are natural dominants and many of us were doing this long before we even realized what it was ... We just thought we were terribly bossy, a bitch and perverted, or kinky ... As much as we are naturally dominant, there are those who are naturally submissive.
They come with many societal labels. Underachiever, lazy, reclusive, timid, aggressive, weird, work-a-holic, withdrawn, followers, insecure ... They need to be told they are doing well and succeeding at pleasing and serving you. They live their lives collared to things they don't even see ... Work, sports, cars, chasing women who don't want them ... Kids, miserable marriages ... Whatever. They are wearing their own self-imposed collars.
This was once explained in this manner; We go through life as kids and
teenagers, and many of us at one point or another realize that the garden we
planted in the fertile soils of our youth, is a little different than the
others. Somehow we got giant pumpkins in our garden.
These slaves look into the situation and see (subconsciously) that those more "normal" gardens were being cared for and looked after evenly. They didn't see any hidden desires, or weirdness'. They look back at their gardens and see they've been trying to hide this growing desire for "abnormality" and it manifested itself in their pumpkin patch.
Where everyone else's garden has grown evenly and is ready to harvest, they find much of their own garden has strangled and died under their giant pumpkins.
Pumpkins that started out as normal, until they tried to disguise those "less than socially desirable" needs.
So they set about to destroying and burying that desire, that pumpkin - To deny it ... Hoping that no one has seen, and they effectively can hide it.
What they fail to see or realize is that the pumpkin is full of seeds, and they've all just taken root in other places, all over that garden of life.
Our job as the dominants to these slaves, is; to find the right set of vines to follow back to the beginning of things ... And then remove all the secondary collars, the other pumpkins.
As the saying goes; "You can not please all the people, all of the time." The same is to be said of the wearing of many collars. There should only be one true collar. Things are thus substantially clearer, and generally less painful in a few ways (this being the case). There is only one thing to worry about, and succeed at, one thing, which pulls and directs them. One "dragon" to keep appeased. Only one set of appointments which are absolutely mandatory to be on time for, one focus.
Those slaves who serve naturally out of desire to please and fulfill tend
to be the most pleasurable to own, and the hardest to locate.
When you do find one make sure to use appropriate techniques and methodology as to ensure a long-term and rewarding relationship.
At the same time there are indeed those who are "switches" – Which is to
say they may be dominant today and submissive tomorrow. If you can figure it out
in the morning you get a prize. I think in these relationships, the trick is to
be the first one out of bed in the morning, to post the note on the
As many different forms and levels of play as there are, there are also players. The trick is in speaking the same language and knowing what you want to go after.
Are you a DOMINANT, a Dominant or a dominant?
We all have the aspects of Dominant, Disciplinarian, and Sadist within us,
and our repertoire. How willing are you to drop all of that? How much do you use
it and rely upon them?
If you know what you need from your slaves, if you are aware of your abilities and limitations, if you believe in yourself … You should have no problem finding the right slaves.
Couple of rules; meet as soon as possible, don't let it wait. Waiting will heighten stress, concern, insecurity, and nerves. Meet with your prospect at the first possible and realistic possibility. Assuming you seek a life time commitment from your prospects, a weekend is a good idea very shortly after the slave has taken you out to dinner. If you have concerns about taking a slave to your home it is recommended that you use the service of hotels, and make sure you have a couple of shopping destinations, or art galleries, or festivals or something in mid to attend, and enable a distraction for a portion of the time you are to be together and at the outset, dealing with the discomfort.
There are many slaves out there, but they are only as good as the dominant who would Own and control them, without such guidance, do not expect much, and try to be a little more forgiving. Do not expect more than you offer, and work within your known and accepted abilities and finding those who suit you will be far more rewarding.
slaves and submissives,
what's the difference?
In simple English, and speaking from over 20 years of experience.
This subject has been talked to death, bantered
around various D/s forums for over a decade, put in many D/s publications and
fully worked over. But it hasn't been looked at, it hasn't been analyzed by
anyone who was cool and level at the time of discussion, because had it of been;
the following would have been seen and stated in the past.
Due to the common and popular misconceptions continuing to be parroted by the supposed Tops who are unable to come up with material of their Own, let's see if they realize the truth in the following, and the power this truth holds. Hopefully in another decade they will all be parroting this TRUTH rather than repeating the lies, and ruining their Own superior positions, and that of the prospects who know this, and think the Tops are all loopy, stupid, and blind to the obvious.
In reading this you will see how a submissive can indeed become a slave, but you will also learn why a slave can never be a submissive, and how this "power struggle" most commonly goes awry.
It's not a power struggle at all - is it ... The bottoms know this, but the Tops are so "all knowing and all powerful" they haven't heard this until now. Now it is the turn of the bottoms to be realized, and accepted. Some of us do understand and know, you, not everyone is self-focused.
So let's get this straightened out and corrected, once and for all.
The difference between a slave and a submissive -
allow Me to show you how truly simple this is:
A submissive worships and follows their fears, they love their fears, they live for their fears. A submissive might show a Top their fears, their concerns, and their dilemmas, but they will never give up; or gift those concerns, fears, and problems to the dominant to fix, to protect them from, or to work with. A submissive bows only to their fears, and would be lost without that directional bearing - to a sub their fears are the end all and be all in life. They are not ready to accept life any other way.
A slave on the other hand is happy and willing to share those fears and seeks someone who can protect them from these things, who will work in an effort to allay the concerns and who desires to be there for them.
A slave - presents the Top their horror/fears, and asks You protect and guard them from it, they would rather focus on being slave than being afraid.
A submissive - tries to hide the fears, and in the end the relationship cannot be anything more than an ongoing battle and power struggle of illusion, because the control is in the hands of the fear - not the Top or the bottom. So the whole relationship is an illusion, it's not just You against them - But You against them and this unknown fear, which is why the power struggles always happen and always turn ugly.
The greatest gift and honour a slave could give a Top is handing over that fear, and giving Us the trust, the honour. We talk about the the gift of a slave - this is the gift We are talking about as Dominants, not being on their knees ... And it comes with a lot of responsibility. This is why it is always a 2 way street and has to be in order to work and work well. Each slave has to trust You enough to tell You their fears first - then they have to trust You enough to give it over with ease as well - many find this extremely hard to do, and want Us to take it - but that doesn't work either.
we can not forcibly take the fears from any prospective bottom, and We can not "know" what the subject's fear is about - if the fear is commitment; Yes You as the top can see that - What You can not see, is if this is because the prospect is worried about: rejection, abandonment, love addiction, abuse, etc - This is why it must be spoken and gifted to the Lady - Otherwise it's all theatrics and hollow scenes.
A submissive - worships and answers to their fears.
A slave - gives those fears to their Top and trusts the Top to do their best to protect them. A slave accepts that We're not perfect as Tops and sometimes they may get hit with shrapnel or a stray round ... But they also know it's not intentional and We're here to work to heal and fix that wound too - And a slave will allow Us to be there. A submissive will instead scream and yell and take fits; Insult belittle, and ridicule - And then run out.
But the submissive never actually gave up that power and control anyway - so there is nothing there to be so animated about, let them go.
A slave ... or a submissive.
The equation is simple as sin, the results are as confusing as geometric algebra. But boil it down and that's what's behind the level of control ... is that fear and being able to gift it, and put it away - or not.
A submissive honors and holds to their fear ...
A slave would rather evolve beyond it, and move to a new realm of comfort in holding and honoring the collar as opposed to the fear.
To bring a submissive to a bearing of slave You must
first know the fears, find the fears, and get your bottom to speak with You
about that fear. From there if You are serious about the transformation You
will have to play with those fears and concerns and gain the trust and respect
of the bottom with those fears, one drop, one grain, one dust particle at a
time. If You go for a shovel full, You will run them out. Go at it slowly and
methodically and be smart about it because this will cause major upheaval
in the relationship, but there is no other way to prove to the bottom that You
are serious, genuine, and worthy of protecting them, guarding them, and securing
them against this concern and fear, in an ongoing manner and fashion. You do
care, You will be there, and this is not a game to You. Their slavery, is
secure in Your hands, that's what they're after, is knowing that - feeling that
- having that.
Many bottoms profess to be slaves, but never reach a point where they are comfortable in taking that step. This is not their short coming, but rather Your Own error/s coming back to you. Especially if the bottom is still with You and trying to get You to understand or see this.
They are not topping from the bottom, they are not in a power struggle with You, they are simply honoring their own self-protective fears rather than honoring You. It's up to You to gain their confidence and trust, not chastise or belittle them for being self-preservation minded. Remember once this slave trusts You, they will in turn become as self-preservation minded with others, while complimenting You.
Yes, it's an insult - But only if You take it as such. 3 Months ago the behaviour was sensible, logical and useful and it had been for the past however many years. It's not going to change overnight, and its not going to change without effort and work on Your part, not just the part of the slave.
If You are not prepared to do this; Please, remain in the realm of pay to play and don't even think of pushing the slave. All You will do is make a mess of someone's head and heart, and then I get to clean it all up.
But if You do want a real slave and this issue starts
appearing - I can guarantee You this is what's behind the behaviour and
change of disposition, so You can either toss them out - Put them at arms length
and keep them there, or resolve to put in the effort and work to help Your
submissive to serve You in their full capacity and ability as slave.
If You are a Dominant, and not any of the other things which You may be (whore, game player, con artist, slut etc) - You will opt to help the slave find their Own happiness and peace, and enable them to serve You fully and properly ... and address that fear, find it, be given it - and if you do that - The slave will remain with you - forever.
Just My 2 cents ... Bank it, it'll grow on ya'
Whatever Your direction, purpose or perspective in this lifestyle you will invariably at some point run headlong into the issue of a suitable relationship within this community and world. When you need help with Your love life and finally realize that a slave is not a mate and can never be suitable in this regard. When You realize You are too dominant to be paired with another dominant. When you get to the space that You fear no one will fill, come join Us in the members community where You can explore the expanded files and complete body of the work and learn of the relationship which has been proposed and is gaining acceptance as a viable option to those of Us in such a position ... We will look forward to Your joining Us there when You are ready.
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