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" About Slavery " a copy righted manuscript; copyright 1994, 2000, 2001, 2005 D.Vyne; hosted on sinpages.com ... Please - Do not reprint, repost, or otherwise duplicate these files in full, or in part without express written authorization of the copyright holder, to do so is to risk criminal persecution and contempt of the community at large. If you replicate without consent, the rest of your site is trash - Safe - Sane - Consensual - Fun - Between adults - keep it healthy
LIMITS, CONCERNS, FEARS, WORRIES & OTHER OFTEN OVERLOOKED ASPECTS OF THE AVERAGE DOMINANT
Somewhere in here I also wanted
to mention the limits and desires of the Dominants. I feel this is the best
place to mention it, and so will look at that with you now.
Most bottoms meet a Dominant and proceed to go on this long tangent of what
they will and will not do, followed by just about every fantasy they've ever had
involving BDSM. This is very annoying and a waste of time to the Dominant, on
the whole. It is far better as a submissive to ask the prospective top what
their limits are, and if they have any. Just as you have limits the Dominant
should, by rights have theirs. If you don't ask, you won't know when you're
crossing them, and will be perpetually in trouble. It may sound like fun now,
but give the situation a few weeks and it will turn sour for both of you.
Dominants limits might involve remaining in "mode" - While in a private scene,
or in any public play. Another limit may entail absolute truth, and lack of
hiding feelings from them. May perhaps be absolute silence, when in the
Dominant's presence. Lack of tolerance for clothing on a bottom is another
common one. Properly addressing the Dominant - And variance in titles,
perhaps. Following all given directions and requests, without being given a
play-by-play or needing to be supervised, might be another.
These are all very common limits/rules of a Dominant.
Most Dominants don't get asked
about this very often and so may not understand the question. That is something
that within the community needs to be changed. If the Dominant is to; "Respect
the bottom, and their wishes," this is as far as I can see the best way for a
bottom to begin reciprocating that respect.
Let's not forget here - A Dominant has more concerns and worries when taking
on new bottoms, than the bottoms have about that Dominant. They have more to
loose, more to fear, and ultimately far more at stake.
Whether other slaves in their stable, their reputation, the possibility of
theft, assault, abuse, or perhaps even children, and spousal matters. You as a
submissive are not taking a stranger into your home with only a wish and a vague
similar interest. As a Dominant however ... It's a common and ongoing concern.
What's the big worry?
I know of many Dominants who
have met with those proclaiming to be submissive, where the time was just
horrible. The Dominant in the end told the bottom they didn't think it would
work out and left the submissive. The Dominant was only being honest and true
to themselves and the submissive.
More than once those so-called "submissives" have turned into the D/s version
of a stalker from hell, and there is little we as tops are able to do about
these situations. They are known to have attempted to lay claims of rape,
physical assault and abuse. They may talk with others within the local
community and start fights, arguments and detrimentally affect reputations.
Once they were through with that the "creepy sub" decided to go back and make
problems with other playmates or spouses. They accomplish all of this with lies
and fabricated stories. Some slaves are more gullible than others, and all the
training in the world doesn't remove doubt from the minds of those concerned
with abuse. Nor does training, when it comes to these matters help those
trusting souls eager to believe all they hear.
More than one of the Dominants in the end cleared their stables and started
over again because of one person on a vendetta! This is a REAL,
genuine and honest concern for a Dominant!
Another common mishap involves "submissives" that are actually scoping out homes for burglaries. Some come to the Dominants as clients (if they are pro Dom/mes) others some show up at play parties begging time, and to see your dungeon. Some are a friend of a friend ... It gets to a point you feel like you can't trust anyone. But this too is a genuine concern, these things really do happen.
Of course you also have the "pay back" issue to think of as well. Those who had a Dominant but feel they were treated unfairly, or removed for no reason. Those who had a spouse walk out on them and now feel they are going to find someone else who reminds them of the spouse in some capacity and "pay them back." Those who simply have a grudge upon their shoulder and are looking for someone to feel sorry enough for them to actually attempt to care so that they can take advantage of the situation.
Assault, and physical violence
is another area where Dominants need be aware and concerned. The prospective
"submissive" isn't in bondage the entire time they are in your home. I know of
a few instances where "submissives" have gotten out of hand, and the results
were not
favourable. Sexual assault,
and physical assault are both concerns of a Dominant that the courts are not,
(as of yet) willing to address, nor assist in dealing with.
Be aware that if you are a member of the BDSM scene and anyone finds out about
it, you are free game (Dominant or submissive), for this type of activity, and
the courts will not support you in a bid to charge your perpetrator.
Personal experience has shown this is indeed the case.
In a reality-based world it wouldn't be a concern - But reality is stranger
than fiction, and so it is something we all need look at and make sure we don't
encourage or propagate.
If the Dominant has children all of the above issues are only magnified. On top of them you can also add a concern about Family & Children's Services getting a phone call from an unhappy bottom. Concerns of a youngster walking in on a scene are valid, bottoms "getting ideas" where the kid/s are involved is also realistic. And finally general misery because of yet another outlet for expressing unhappiness on the part of the bottom is present. (You know what your mom/dad did to me the other night? Check out these bruises - YOU better behave young man!)
Spouse wise, I’ve had
"submissives" walk up to my husband and proclaim, "I will have your wife, your
house, your car, your child and everything else that matters to you within a
year!" Luckily for the mouthpiece, my slave truly is my submissive, and knew
the person in question was someone I cared about. Otherwise he would have
reacted by his gut instinct being to grab "Mr. Mouth" by the throat and toss him
off the balcony. This would be "slave" was removed from my presence and care in
very short order.
I've recieved e-mails from "bottoms" who sent duplicate copies to my hus-slave
telling me they had uncurable sexually transmitted diseases and "being as we'd
had sex," they thought they should let Me know about it. Only the thing was,
I'd never had sex with them.
They make claims of my doing things for them I wouldn't do for hus-slave. Of
gifts given, of clandestine rendezvous. Silly creatures. I think they're
testing to see a few things;
A) If I really am in control, within the relationship.
B) His reactions.
C) If they can dissolve the relationship so; "They can have Me to themselves"
- They end up earning walking papers instead.
D) Whether they can do anything right, and; "Win the girl"
E) If my claim of I keep no secrets from hus-slave and he knows everything so
there's no point in figuring you can pull strings here, it won't work - Is
actually true or I'm just trying to cover My ass. (I mean if you're in control
why tell him everything? They apparently don't "Get it.")
Thing is when they do this stuff all they succeed in doing is getting kicked out. I don't need the hassles, the grief, the stress or the heartache. It never works, but that's not the point. If they've done this and are messing with My marriage, and that relationship ... What will be next? And do I want to be looking over my shoulder all the time? In a word - NO.
And every Dominant's final
favourite
may seem ridiculous after all this "major stuff" - But remains the "submissive"
who is there for his/her own sexual/mental gratification. These are the ones
who have no true interest in serving you. They come to the Dominant for any or
all of the following reasons; They just want to get their rocks off, be yelled
at, want a mommy or daddy, wants someone to chase their spouse off, are seeking
a feather in their hat (or a notch on the bedpost), glory seeking, its was a
dare, wanted to try out an older partner, want a guinea pig for a
psych/philosophy exam or essay, doesn't want to outright pay for sex - But
believe a pro Dominant does it and doesn't want to admit it.
As far-fetched as some of these scenarios may sound to you right now while
reading this I've heard of all these things coming up (or out) and the Dominant
having to face and deal with it.
If memory serves I believe I was told the psych student wrote a paper about
sexually abusive women who hate men I'm sure had the Dominant in question
known what he was actually there for in the 1st place she wouldn't have
continued to feed mainstream misconception ... But she didn't know - And she
did. That little stunt had the lady really questioning what she was
doing and why for quite some time.
Then there are the guys who lay
side bets with each other about these things, want to prove to their "buds"
their tough - That kind of glory seeking.
The plain sex thing is about the most common of commons. We all get
it - we all get sick of it. Personally My response to these guys is, "Sounds to
Me like you need a whore, not a Dominant - I don't do fantasy
fulfillment with an hourly charge." They love that one ... About as much as I
like their approach and manners, or lack of them. But it gets rid of them!
So how does a Dominant deal with all this crap?
We hope and pray, trust our
instincts, little voices, and intuition. Some are better at it than others.
Some go on weird streaks where they have 6 "subbies" in a row who claim to have
been raped. This is when people either really start to wonder about the
Dominant, no longer trust the Dominant, or feel sorry for the Dominant.
But don't begrudge your Dominant wanting to move slowly, making sure to talk
to others about you, or having you fill out questionnaires or assignments before
taking you seriously.
Anyone can pull off a fake
persona in a public meeting. That time when I was assaulted I met with the guy
4 times publicly, and agreed to meet him again one day during the week. It was
a mid afternoon meeting, in his place of business with other people around when
it happened. Sometimes all the precaution in the world doesn't help. People
seem to think I was stupid about the meeting. I'd say I was about as
precautious as I could have been.
Had I asked him to do some paperwork though, I bet he wouldn't have been
willing to carry it beyond that. A simple questionnaire seems to get rid of a
lot of pleasure seekers. If as a Dominant you don't want to do that, you might
create a couple of assignments - I use them as well. I ask things like: What
is a collar, What does it signify, What are you collared to right now, When
would you be willing to "trade in" those collars for one of subservience -
Things like that. I send them out, and suddenly people who are over-irritated
by their hormones are no longer annoying me. Only those who are serious and not
looking to play games can be bothered to take the time to do the work. It's
simple, but effective.
Don't think a public meeting will deter your submissive from turning into a
problem case. The problems begin after those public meetings. Also don't think
a series of phone calls (particularly if they involve phone Domination or phone
sex), will show you the truth behind your "submissives" subservience. Thus far
in My own experience the only thing that seems to have their true colours come
out, is paperwork.
These other Dominants who I talk to who also express concern and
concertation
over new slaves, who have opted to go this route also tell Me it works
exceptionally well for them. Those seeking only phone sex, or cyber scenes or a
"quick fix" quickly vanish into the wood work, off to bother someone else who
can only dream of acquiring true submission from another person.
This is by no means the only
solution - But it is the one I prefer, personally.
When subs start out argumentative and bratty - They'll generally only become
worse, so you have little options as to rebuttal, or dealing with the matter.
Toss them an assignment, an application; complete it with some information about
yourself, and what you expect. Odds are you'll never hear from them again,
while saving yourself from pulling a lot of hair out.
Conversely if you do hear back from them again they are fully aware of your
base needs/desires of slaves, and you can refer them back to that information
when behaviour becomes questionable.
Your concerns, limits, "fears," and worries are completely valid and need not be substantiated to any bottom, ever. Remember a few things and keep them foremost in your dealing with these "people" and hopefully the attitude you thus portray will assist you in feeling more in control.
You
need not explain or justify yourself about anything - to anyone.
Permission to ask questions (for a slave) is standard - More than 5 questions
equates to an interrogation, and earns
disfavour.
Think of this as playing "Follow the leader" and the Dominant should NOT be the
one doing the following, rather the one leading - Even in conversation.
The strongest form of discipline available is to neither acknowledge, nor
respond to an attitude or behaviour.
Self control is paramount to Dominance - If you can not control your own self,
hormones and reactions you have no hope of managing to control these things in
another person.
Always speak in a clear, even, level tone - Retain control of yourself and the
bottom will respect that level of self-control.
Patience is a lost virtue - Don't lose yours and virtually anything is possible.
If you plan to freak out - do it sporadically and maintain your control. (In
other words, don't be it - ACT it!)
In the end we're back to needing to trust yourself - Not your slave's and bottoms. You can do this and it is worthwhile. There's just a lotta’ shit ya’ gotta’ sling in that flowerbed before it smells more like roses, and less like cow dung. With all the cow dung in there already sitting for years, you know the weeds are going to’ sprout and go ballistic.
You can handle it ... You are after all ... In control.
Sometimes things around you will seem to go a little
insane, everyone will decide to get stupid at the same time. This is not an
uncommon dilemma. We can not send people to their rooms but we can tell them to
vacate from our immediate vicinity until such a time as their behaviour is more
appropriate and suited to their position.
That “time out” might last anywhere from 3 days to 3 months, who’s to tell,
and the decision will ultimately reside with you. The longer you are able to
let it go the better your odds are of making your point felt and known. Besides
no one needs a lippy, snotty ill behaved person hanging around, so no one will
begrudge you the time to regain your sanity.
Not all of the people in our community on the slave side
are fully sane either. Many of the people who we play with and work in an
effort to feel more accepted and secure have been abused, have been mistreated
and neglected. Some of them will talk about it and openly confess that they
have been maltreated, and admit that as wrong as they know this is, the pattern
endured for long enough it has become entrenched in their personality. This is
probably the least dangerous of the mentally unbalanced lot; they do however
remain a concern in the area of clinginess, whining, and other unbecoming
behavioural tendencies. It is up to you however
to be self-responsible enough to not see this as a target group, and continue
the victimization thus becoming an abuser.
Personalities ranging from the mildly interested, but in denial and chasing their tails, through to the
fully obsessed looking for someone to project that obsession onto you, you will
become a target for those who wish to top you, and to bottom you both, and don’t
think for a moment that because you claim to be dominant you won’t be tested.
Every time another dominant tries to place a collar upon you it’s just another test to see how truly desiring you are to be in control, do not take it as any more, or any less. Spend your energy watching the ones you call slave, friends, neighbor, co-worker and the like.
People do get set up in our world, and we get taken down
with far more of a punch than the world likes to throw at the vanilla world. No
one is exempt, and everyone has ties, connections and areas of emotional
involvement. If at some point you become a target to someone who decides to
“take you out” you will have a very hard and fast lesson in how much of a threat
you are to the real world, and thus how you’re doing. Its not the most amusing
thing to go through, and few manage to survive the burial.
For Me it lasted 5 years, I had court almost daily for that entire span of
time. In the course of events and the way of the world – I lost absolutely
everything, all those things you use to define yourself were stolen from Me.
My home - twice, My family, My business, My slaves, My marriage, My child, My
health, My drivers license and vehicle …
My home I lost in a mystery fire, and then when I could no longer support the
massive thing alone, I lost it again after rebuilding. I have a place to live
now, but it’s not home.
My family I lost the extended family when I lost the
marriage, I lost My Own family when they felt as though they betrayed Me for not
having helped, because they saw what a feeding frenzy and outright malicious
attack it was and knew it was a personal vendetta thing. No amount of “mom’s”
could do anything for Me at that juncture. I have more of a family now than I
ever have, thanks to all this and for that, I am very grateful.
My business I couldn’t run while that stressed and the
schedules conflicting. I did try to get it up and happening again and it would
have done well again I saw – But My heart isn’t there anymore. My heart is here with
all of you in
this, because of this …
My slaves were all ordered by the courts to vacate as apparently I am far too
"manipulative and coercive" and although the resounding chorus was “No and we
won’t abandon when needed most” the separation was court imposed and enforced
with supervision as deemed appropriate. I saved one slave in the mess because
that one ran when I told it to and stayed hidden until I returned to find it. What happened there was completely unfair and fully
corrupt, it was wrong and it shouldn’t have happened.
My marriage – I don’t even know what happened, and I will never know. I won’t know
if what was said and done was genuine and real, or if it was done in
self-preservation. I won’t know. I can’t, and again I will never find out.
My child – I think this one is probably fairly
self-explanatory.
My health I lost in the stress, in the tears, in the staying up all night
before court all day. I lost My health in the house fire, in the constant
battling, in the watching everything I’d worked to build, crumbling away to
nothing. Regaining it is a slow battle, I don’t know if I will ever get it back.
My drivers license I lost because My name was on the
court dockets so much that all I had to do was pull out of the driveway and I
was stopped, harassed, and ultimately ticketed. The vehicle became a victim to
so many assaults it was sick. I have my license back, but it’s an ongoing issue
mobility is at this point.
And yet through it all I’m … “doing ok.”
The scary part? It all went down and spun out of control in 3 days. Three
days!
When I got taken off the face off
the earth a number of other Ladies were also wiped out. Those who remain
untouched, and that revealing trail of where peoples truths lie becomes a very interesting
map. The whores, and the abusers seem to have ridden out the storm unscathed,
while those of us who focused on the psychology, the actual control and the
workings of the “game” are all somehow being less than available. We
figured it out, we found a truth that THEY don't want revealed or known.
And so We are relegated to the being available but removed. One step off
the path.
I am here, the domain is up – But My photos have been removed, the address is
no longer posted, nor available on request, the slave’s information is no longer
available, I am less than available, but I am not hiding either.
You are not wrong to think you are going to be harassed,
chased, annoyed, bugged, stalked and all the rest. Theses are all valid
and real concerns in today's world.
You are not wrong to think you will be being asked to justify yourself all the
time, to everyone from mom to the grocer. You are not wrong to imagine that
once you do this, for a time after beginning, every time you yell at someone or
threaten to smack them or otherwise “be human” you will be accused of everything
under the sun.
The guys who watch the world and see the amount of abuse going on and do what
they can to secure and save a small handful of wounded hearts, you too are
subject to these things and will relate to what I am saying. You might be
more commonly referred to as be pussy whipped, or pantied pets, advantage
seekers, and other less kind terms - But the point remains that the world
persecutes you because of your desire to see the change come to us on the whole,
and the abuse to stop.
For whatever reason it doesn’t seem the abusive men have to deal with it at
this level, and it doesn’t appear that the women who profess to be dominant but
are in truth glorified hookers, succumbing to the abuses, and desires of men
have anything to fear. So – this persecution
would seem to be coming from a changing of societal positioning and stance of
what abuse is and what it entails.
We’re a threat to a world that doesn’t know anything but abuse, overpowering,
intimidation and coercion.
They don’t understand what makes us tick, and the fact we are Women makes that all the more confounding. After all, how can they do something like all the things they did to Me, and yet I’m still here! Surely a man would buckle and cave in, how does a mere Woman survive?
I saw what was going on and I accepted that this wasn’t
about Me personally it was about Me philosophically, it was about what I stood
for, what I believe in. You will face this too, in your own ways, in your own
time. Someone might call you a whore, they might call you a man hater, they
might say you are trying to hide a nasty streak.
And who knows they might be right. They might also be looking to destroy your
stance and position, the easiest way to do that is to cause you to question it.
This is a tactic to make you walk away from whatever it is people don’t want you
doing/with.
Remember when mom used to ask you all those questions about that guy, or the
sports team, and you finally just stopped it because you were sick of the
questions and having to justify yourself? Same perspective.
Of course too, they might be jealous because you are doing and being all
the things they wish they had the brass to get up and go enjoy.
Do not allow people to convince you to turn away from yourself, your interests and your desires. YES there are lots of whacked out people out there, and you will be dealing with crap and volleys from all sides. So what. This is nothing new. Yes you will have to work extra diligently to protect your home, family, reputation and name. So what. This is nothing new either.
Truth be known, the concerns are the same everywhere. If you can rent dungeon space or time in an equipped dungeon for your meetings and sessions that would be most opportune as it provides space outside your residence so the neighbors won’t know and deals with a few other issues, however it is still far from perfect, unless the dungeon in question provides security as well. So many things to think of; I know. So many things I’d rather not think of … I’m sure you can understand.
If you are a dominant and reading this please do realize My story is not a lone tale, out of tune. I am only a single rendition of a theme and song that resounds around the world, a knowing that is held in the hearts of tops and bottoms, a truth that We aren’t supposed to know and find. If you came to this page figuring I would have the answer and solution for you, you’re wrong. I could barely save Myself, My slave endured simply because it knew it was all I had left in the entire world. This is the extent of the risk you take joining us. If you are here for the sex and the abuse be warned it’s not going to continue indefinitely. Your time is up.
If you are a submissive and here reading this please do understand the risks, the losses, the destruction and chaos We risk. You might get beat up but you don’t get beat up like I just talked about for those few pages of typing. If you manage to find one of the types of Tops who is of the variety to be persecuted in this way do your best to protect Them, to insulate Them and to carry Their message out and forward into the world while not putting Themselves at risk. The answer and solution you can provide is to realize we are all humans with flaws and errors, but the abuse and meanness, retorts and unkindness are completely uncalled for.
You cannot expect someone to reflect kindness back to you when all you show them is contempt. Do not begrudge a Top who is working to find Their Own answers and solutions to problems which all of us in the community face, and as much as We are looked to for solutions and answers in so many other things so do We feel as though We should be able to provide and answer to this quandary – And as of yet, no one has succeeded.
The longer it goes on and the more people are affected by it, even by hearing about it the more that distrust grows and the wider the concerns becomes and the more there is for both sides to consider. Except you should have been thinking of, and realizing all of this, long before now.
Both sides have their limits. Both sides have the same concerns and worries and issues. Just because someone is a Top does not mean that you as a bottom should run ram shod. We don’t tend to speak of limits because We figure We shouldn’t have to mention them. If a slave is silent and behaving, they cannot cross a limit, can they …
Every Top is different and each of us has gone through Our Own set of persecutions. I’d like to see us all work together and find the gumption to work to find the acceptance we need to collectively have to show society the truths of the abuses they themselves visit upon each other.
Human to human – we’re an awfully tactless, rude, ill mannered, and crass lot. We can work together to create a society, a world, a community which epitomizes the greatest in inter-human contact and interaction, We simply do that by laying down an extremely clear paradigm which demands an elevation and continual improvement of Our Own carriage and bearing within the community. Which is to say We Ourselves – All of Us - Top and Bottom aspire and work to create an environment as abuse free, as much without humiliation and degradation as is at all possible, there is enough of it in the outside world, there is enough abuse, exploitation and pain.
I’d like to see this clique be where the shift in how human beings treats each other begins. I’d like to see our clan become the one in which things like limits would never even need be discussed because the mutual respect was so amazingly phenomenal that all either party ever wanted to do was make the other happy.
There is no defined top or bottom, there is no want, no need, no “thing” but the relationship, the exploring, and the appreciation for each other.
It would be nice to be able to create a space where these concerns were no longer an issue. It would be a great goal to aspire to, to work to create.
I’m told I’m deluded because of it. The courts say I have a “grandiosity complex.” – I believe that’s pretty close to the same thing that was told the Jews and blacks, the Indians and the North Americans even, when they said they would break free of their respective capturers, persecutors, rulers, those who enslaved all these who desired to break free. We’re trapped, and the only way we’re getting out of this one is if everyone works together and puts in the effort so that we can all collectively come out of this deep sleep and then take it from there.
I don’t know where it might go, but I do know the road all of us have been on for millennia untold isn’t getting us anywhere – and the sane would say it’s time for a change of action which alters the direction.
In the immortal words of Albert Einstein; “The true definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and again and expecting a different result.”
We can lead the change – I know we can, that’s why they want to shut us up. Be careful – be wise – Be vigilant – But never give up You because it suits someone else
Join the effort to eradicate the abuse, to elevate Our community, and to empower all those around you.
It can be done – And as a new member of the task force of removing the need for humans to speak of these things; please go and do a single random act of kindness for a stranger. Something you wouldn’t normally do – do. Something you’d normally not do, while you work in this effort do it for them.
Little things like+ do not take the parking spot closest to the door. Things like asking the blind person on the subway beside you if you might help them to their destination. Things like doing “mystery weeding” for the neighbors. Helping with groceries, or kids, or doors. Things like – Being nice. Things like having a moment for someone else, thinking of others, of respecting the people around you that you’d normally walk right over.
We can not expect others to respect us and treat us as we’d like until we can show and verify we’re not the problem. The only way to do that is to get it done. You could be the next target, or you can help to be the next pioneer. It’s up to you, we’ll hope you join us in the efforts and work.
Stop the coercion, the pushing, the assault, the abuse.
" About Slavery " a copy righted manuscript; copyright 1994, 2000, 2001, 2005 D.Vyne; hosted on sinpages.com ... Please - Do not reprint, repost, or otherwise duplicate these files in full, or in part without express written authorization of the copyright holder, to do so is to risk criminal persecution and contempt of the community at large. If you replicate without consent, the rest of your site is trash - Safe - Sane - Consensual - Fun - Between adults - keep it healthy
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