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CHOOSING AN APPROPRIATE D/s PARTNER
This one gets into, and isn't totally unfamiliar to those people who got married, only to discover too late – oh no! Wrong mate. Or another parallel can be found in the person who thought that they could handle the boss' attitude only to quit half way to the top, because of that very same attitude. Here the bottom finds a top, and then after some time decides that this is appropriate to them, in "No Way." By then, like the marriage it's too late, and quite often the bottom finds that extricating themselves from the situation both physically and mentally isn't quite so easy as they might hope it to be. The other similarity is that in both cases if the situation is not ended soon enough there will be permanent psychological damage inflicted by, and on, both parties. Therefore it is extremely important, I cannot stress this enough, to choose the right individual.
Alright, so how?
1)
EDUCATE YOURSELF - Educate. Educate. Educate. You wouldn't buy a house just
because of a good listing ad, or the angle of the sun in the photos. You
wouldn't buy a car because you liked the commercial. You may be talked into a
coffee thanks to the smell, but usually it’s because you were offered one from
someone else who did know how tasty it is. Why, then would you choose an
intellectual "brain sex" partner with no prior knowledge of the possibilities?
Read - Talk - Watch - Listen. EDUCATE. It is up to you, but if you don't know
the possibilities then you haven't truly decided, have you? You have simply
opted to accept that which is presented as it is presented, without thought or
investigation. This is an insult to the Dominant, and an unforgivable
indiscretion on the part of the bottom. The giving over of your ability
to future choice and your right to outcome is a huge and forever altering
choice, an honour and a compliment. Be sure you know Whom you are
giving it to, and why. You will only ever have one First, what happens in that
situation will bring weight to bear on every scene thereafter. Do not
throw this away as a learning tool with no value, you should have come into it
learned enough to know all on your own.
Remember that your own position and perspective are not necessarily always in
line with that of another either, and know you are free to come to your own
conclusions, ideas and notions. When you are educated enough to speak for
yourself with assurity, to explain your stance, and to be able to argue it
with pride and conviction, then you will need to be able to …
2)
BE CLEAR ON YOUR DESIRES - This goes back to #1. You may want to ask
yourself why you are seeking this type of relationship. Is it because of the
danger, the sexuality, the closeness, the shock value, or the self-abuse? Each
potential reason carries with it an entirely different version of a compatible
mate. Knowing what it is you are seeking is the greatest step towards actually
finding it.
What do you hope to gain by having this connection, or being involved at
whatever level with this Person? What kind of a commitment you are willing to
make, on all levels? Those commitments could be financial, time, the level of
relationship you seek, friends, public only or lovers? Are you seeking mental
stimulation, or more of a physically rewarding position? It may involve the
amount of energy you are willing to spend, if you have any special abilities
that you are willing to share you will need to be clear about this too.
Some of the Tops like to travel to parties, events, and weekends out of town
and this may be the sort of thing which you would be uncomfortable with, or
unable to do for whatever reason, make sure to give all such possibilities some
thought so that when such discussions arise you are not taken aback, and left
pondering for the afternoon.
All of these things must be considered. Be sure that you not only know and
are aware of your own position and desire, but more importantly that you are
able to clearly discuss and elaborate upon the particulars. Dissolving into
giggle fits, staring silently at the floor, continually changing the subject, or
otherwise being unable to address any questions which might arise, will not only
serve to have you seem less than sincere, but will call your intelligence into
question, and a stupid slave is a liability, so you don’t want to encourage
this. Make sure that you can communicate, whether on the phone, in writing or
face to face, the method is not nearly so important as being able to relay the
madness, because outside of being clear on your own desires and intent, you will
also need to …
3) BE CLEAR ON THEIR DESIRES
- If they want a whipping boy and your interest is in silver tray, well that
about closes that. If however they have a few positions open, work as a
professional, or are willing to explore the possibility of an area hitherto
unexplored for Them and therefore are unable to be entirely clear with you, you
have learned a couple of things. One you will not be flying solo, and will
have others to lean on, learn from and hopefully get a pointer or two from as
well. Secondly you know that your position and use may change. Lastly you have
learned that this person most likely has some experience, just perhaps not in
your desired realm. Somewhere in there you may have reasoned that if there is
more than one submissive this person is far less likely to be abusive. This can
be concluded because of the fact that with more than one the word would spread
quickly; or you may think that the person would tend to be more responsible,
however one should never take anything for granted. A large stable means little
more than the Person in question has a lot of patience for stupidity.
Some of the other areas which tend to be ignored and can become situationaly
problematic in the future include things like Their involvement in the local
scene, and this bearing on your support level as well as their Own. This may
matter to you or it may not, but at some point whether they are a solitary or
involved in the community, it will arise and become a potential issue. Taking
this into consideration before beginning your search is wisest.
Another potential problem is Their class level, not just finances, but
manners, and mannerisms. The way They chew food, the manner in which they fail
to put the cap on the toothpaste, or fail to brush at all. The clothing, the
walk, and the contents of the fridge even, the whole parcel. If you already
realize that you are seeking someone who is more of a business man than a
sailor, who prefers home cooked gourmet to take out, then you know what type of
person it is who you will respond best to, long term. The sailor may be more
appealing today, but this is a relationship you are building to last, and endure
past one port of call.
The same type of issues and concerns would arise if the cause of the
discontent were focused in the extroversion, or introversion of your Top. This
will affect everything from Their handling of you, to the things they would
rather you handled. If you do not want to be asked to answer their phone, deal
with appointments, and such issues as this, as much as you may find the loud
boisterous and outgoing Top unappealing, you may want to re-think that
position. An extroverted, outgoing Top will have far less fear of taking
control, will be more likely to have you on a stage at some point doing a public
display, is more likely to be creative and diversified as they are speaking with
and learning from many more sources of input than the introvert. If however
your concerns are stability, security, peacefulness and this sort of calm
relaxing situation, then as much as you gravitate to the extroverts at the
parties, you may want to consider taking a good long look at who is hiding in
the corners.
Do they want to control and schedule you into the ground, or do they want to
be able to simply say, “Ok you are the maid,” and anticipate that you will do
the job just perfectly for them? How much time and effort and personal
investment are they wiling to make in you. This is not the sort of thing to
assume, you will need to ask and demand an answer specific to you, you are not a
slave in general. You deserve a personally applicable answer, demand one and …
4)
BE SMART - If your playmate refuses to answer even half of your questions
under the guise of, "I'm the top - It's my job to ask the questions," or "I'm
new to this and don't know you or if I can trust you." Then (bottoms) it is
wisest to ask if you will be allowed a period in the near future when you can
have your queries answered.
Do not arrange to meet someone on the off ramp of a highway, in a hotel room,
or in a vehicle on your first meeting, as this would simply not be a clever
thing to do, and yes people do actually fall for this and then wonder how they
get robbed. To allow yourself to be placed in such a position is either
extremely stupid of you or extremely needy of you, and the reason it continues,
is because some of the individuals who are getting mugged and robbed, actually
call back and thank the Lady afterwards. So don’t think you can stop it, just
be smart enough to not fall victim to it.
Be smart about where you are being led, about where this Top has a reputation
for leading bottoms in the past, about how they handle things should the
situation get carried away. Most of all be smart enough to ask if They have
ever been known to get carried away themselves.
Just as the Tops have the rule about “if the bottom claims they have no
limits they are completely uneducated or completely off their nut.” So too can
it be said for the Tops who have not ever lost control in the heat of the
moment. How They handle this type of situation, and when it might be prone to
happening is very relevant to you in your situation. If you are unable to get
an answer from Them it suggests they too are either insincere, playing games,
uneducated, or an absolute fake.
If however that evasive person is the bottom and either does not trust you,
or plain refuses to give you any personal information at all - This is the point
where you as the Top must remind them that: At the point of play You will not
only be unable to have these things answered, but that also You are not a mind
reader. It would also be optimal to point out that if they are unable to trust
You with words they are hardly going to be able to trust You with their life.
After all, when one is bound and gagged the Top is holding the bottoms life.
The question to ask Yourself is what do they not want You to know. Or what are
they trying to hide?
Either way whether bottom or Top, whether looking for a part time, full time or live in position, be smart enough to remember to ask where T/their limits lie, and if T/they have ever been known to lose control … Everyone has limits, everyone loses control …
5)
NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING - Just because someone is a professional doesn't mean
that they know what they are doing. Experience just means They have a lot of
practice doing something, whether They have practiced doing it correctly or
incorrectly is another matter entirely.
Pictures in a book can be years old or even of entirely different people.
After all; when you buy a business all the promotional material comes with it,
to many of the people involved in the community this is no more to them than a
business. You are no more to them than any other mark in the pond. Yes, I know
of situations where precisely this has happened, and the slave who called what
he thought was the Goddess in the magazine showed up to find a short, dumpy
woman with way too much makeup in a muumuu, holding a crop and a cigarette.
Needless to say things did not quite go as had been initially … assumed, and
that self same assumptive-ness has created many a miserable slave - Ask if the
pictures in the ad are of the actual Domina, and if they are recent, or are
representative of a scene from a special event or a daily occurrence etc.
Equipment is only dressings, but if they rely solely on those ropes and cuffs
then it's all frills, no meat. If all that is in the photos is equipment and an
empty room, or a slave being neglected, do not assume the equipment is well
worn, nor the slave is there for anything other than show. Ask if They Own and
retain control of the one in the photo.
Ask if They have experience and what a typical scene involves. I’ve heard of
guys who went to a supposed professional Dominatrix, only to be tied up and
blindfolded and ignored for an hour and a half and then told that was the scene,
go home. I’ve heard from personal slaves who were asked to find another Lady,
as the current one was moving to another country. And then this same Lady who
told the slave to go seek, when that slave returned and upon even suggesting
such a Lady might exist was genitally tortured so badly that for six weeks he
was bed bound. Do not assume, and if you must assume, assume it’s wisest to
wait and see – to not assume and to allow time to tell. Everyone knows how
quickly sugar melts in water. The question is: What does that do for you long
term?
Do not assume that the photo you get is likely to be a rendition of “this is
what I look like in daily mode.” Do not assume the health of the person you are
talking with is consistently good; do not assume the marital position, the issue
of children, of the living conditions … Of anything. Many a slave has
misrepresented himself or herself, sure. But many more Tops have friends who
will happily let them borrow a really nice condo, or boat, or a dungeon in which
to do photos. If you absolutely must assume anything upon viewing such
elaborations of fantasy, assume you are being played and toyed with, and then be
smart and start asking some pertinent questions. This does not suggest you
should come out with, “Gee who died and left You the boat?” You might however
consider beginning with, “Nice tan, it looks like that was quite a vacation!”
However you decide to handle things the one steadfast rule is …
6)
DON'T RUSH - Hormones are fun, but even men can be raped. As much as things
like this do sicken some people others seem to grossly enjoy watching. If there
was a way to prevent it or to forewarn you I would tell you. Unfortunately
however the stories that come to mind have no symmetrical way to deal with them.
I've heard from bottoms that were invited to their top's place for a soothing
hot tub. The bottom had been there previously and all was well, so off he went.
When he got there all was had always been, and he found himself looking forward
to an enjoyable evening. Just after she slipped the blindfold and gag on he felt
numerous hands. Apparently her boyfriend and some of his friends wanted to
have "Some fun with one of the sissy boys." I've heard stories of men jumping
out of closets once the "victim" was tied down spread eagle. I have heard of
people being anally penetrated to the point of hemorrhaging. Of forced
bestiality, by both men and women, on men and women. The stories go on and on.
Be smart, be slow, be careful. If something isn't right, bail out for the
evening. The more people push the issue, the warier you should get. As my
mother used to tell me - A little care and caution goes a long, long way.
Anyone who is pushing you beyond your personal comfort and ability zones right
off the get go should be cause for concern for you. It doesn’t matter if you
are dominant or submissive, if the other party in question is dominant or
submissive whether you are in a scene situation or in the vanilla world these
self same rules apply everywhere. Do not for a moment think there is some
unknown security cocoon within the leather community, as truth be known I’m sure
you’d find that at this point in time, unfortunately the opposite is true.
Make sure you and the Person to whom you are talking speak the same
language, have the same desires, needs, intentions, directions, and lifestyle.
There is nothing worse than being involved up to your eyeballs before realizing
that the two of you work opposing hours, or they only come into town for the
play parties and actually live elsewhere.
Take the time in the beginning, before the rules fall into place that says
things like, “no speaking unless spoken to or asked a direct question.” Many
things will come up during the course of your indenture, which you might have
wished you’d asked, approached or otherwise thought of before so hastily jumping
into the situation.
For instance I personally like to focus on castration and smooth males when
the stable gets foolish. I have discovered it is an amazingly simple way to
clear the useless trash out without effort. Those who know Me know it’s just
“research” – those who have not taken such time however are left thinking
they’re going to be smooth, and run for their genitals, which in turn speaks
volumes unto itself. If you profess this is not sexual for you; do not run
away for the sake of the genitals and expect to be allowed to return. Take your
time getting to know people, and I don’t mean a few weeks, I mean take at least
3 months for the initial contact, take another 6 months to get to know the
person and see how you work together or don’t and then, after approximately
nine months oddly approximately the same amount of time it takes to grow a
new life … You might be looking at accepting a training or temporary collar at
the hands of the Dominant. You can tell Me how wrong I am, you can tell Me all
sorts of trash, but I will tell you 9 out of 10 relationships in this world do
not endure even those short nine months, why go getting all involved and heart
broken for nothing, never mind giving up your life, only to have nothing left in
short order. It’s hard enough when a friend turns away from you, it’s harder
still when from your perspective you have given and shared and done as asked,
and were used, and thrown away by someone who didn’t have realization or care
enough to see you behind the moments.
Go slow, take time, make sure they see you for you, that you understand each
other and are fully compatible, and then and only then do you move onto
the realm of true involvement. We seem to have collectively forgotten this
thing called dating, wooing, seducing, courting … Everyone needs it, and as I’ve
said this will become pertinent at some point, make sure you’re comfortable and
trust the situation and yourself enough to be able to manage things. Because no
matter what happens today and tomorrow you will still need to have …
7) RESPONSIBILITY ON BOTH YOUR PARTS - If you would not allow this Person to watch your pet for the weekend, then do not become their slave (or pet). If they would not have the brainpower to remember to water and care to change the soil in a houseplant, you can be assured you will be low upon the list of priorities. The care of pets and plants is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility they will show you. As odd as it may seem, this has shown to be true for this reason you must find someone whose responsibility level is compatible with yours. Be that extremely responsible, or relatively irresponsible. (Totally irresponsible can vacate at this point due to the fact that your life is to be placed in their hands.)
The
cleanliness of Their home and living conditions, Their clothing and Their person
speaks volumes as to Their personal responsibility levels, but do not be quick
to judge or assume. Remembering before you jump to conclusions that this is the
real world, and these are real People with real situations can sometimes prove a
far more productive stance to take, and working in an effort to assist the most
appropriate response. But whatever you chose to do that responsibility for such
a choice and decision will rest solely with you, not Them.
If you are tired or irritable at the moment, and this is not the time to be
discussing life choices, then don't. If you were asked to call them on that day
at that time, do so but then ask to call them again in a day or two, and stick
to that need ... Even in a couple of hours from now is better than right now
when you are so upset. Take the time and when you have relaxed a little, call
back. If they flip out hang up, you can always go to someone else. After all
you are only being a responsible adult and facing the fact that this is not a
discussion to be having right now.
Do not anticipate the Dominant will be happy to be the one who is responsible
and in control. There are many a pretender among us, and many who would
prey upon the vulnerabilities of those within our community. It’s all fine
and well to expect others to help you out, to understand and to be supportive
when you find yourself in places of discomfort or fear, however if these People
also support this sort of behaviour and “discipline,” you won’t get any help,
instead you will find trouble and an increase of the earlier concerns.
Pack mentality is not bottom exclusive, anti-social behavioral issues are
neither gender
specific, nor specific to position. You have to be fully level and fully strong in order to
be able to handle this reality, a reality far truer and harsher than that which
you are accustomed to seeing through rose colored glasses, I don’t care if you
are a top, or a bottom a neophyte or as experienced as the greatest of us. When
you enter into this realm, and as you live within it and learn the “rules,” you
will come to question more and more of the world outside your door, and you will
either want to run from Us, or them. How you and your Top handle these moments,
how you communicate, and the responsibility level you show each other is vital
to a healthy and happy maintenance of the relationship.
As They explain Their psychology and working of the world mind to you, it is
inevitable you will face the resulting crossed wires of a lifetime of
training and practice, and the input of a world which makes sense, and yet is in
such contradiction to current standards and norms that really and in truth
neither currently work, and both are a mess.
This isn’t your fault, this isn’t your Dominant’s fault, the world is experiencing a huge paradigm shift and altering of our daily models of everything from communication to work to societal association. It’s a crazy place, the idea is to find someone to work with in this mayhem, not someone who will insulate you from it, save you from it, or otherwise encourage unrealistic dreams. We are all in this together, you can not evade the world, but knowing that the planet is finally coming awake to the dynamics, the inflections, and the ever changing aspect of the world around them in relation to their own positions of dominance and submission is a large part of that personal awakening for you. You can opt to remain in the eternally subservient position of forever working to please everyone around you, or you can enter the age of enlightenment and realize that even if you are a bottom the only Person you need keep pleased and appeased is the One you serve. Beyond that, people like to play at being important to you, whether you allow them to be or not is another matter entirely.
Power
is not money, it is control, it is an understanding of what you are doing of
what You are capable of in the position You are placed in. Power can come as
easily as creating a book to assist others which is so revealing it is a threat
to anyone who is still practicing those old ways of over run, of sexual
enticement, of pure business. This can be fully and completely changed if you
too as a single lone soul will work together with the rest of Us out here
towards the goals of full accountability and answerability to Ourselves. Not
Ourselves as in the community alone, but Ourselves as human beings and people,
and if that shift truly takes hold and is recognized within Our Own communities
first, imagine the pride we would carry as a group into the future.
For now though, and while we each encourage each other to attain that higher
level of self responsibility and accountability, while we are still used to
listening to and accepting the excuses and apologies of another, rather than
demanding they change the behaviour. Right now responsibility ranges from the
care, and concern of you; to the hygiene of the toys, and play space. Even up to
and including of if they keep the dates and times of their meetings. Be they in
person, on a computer or on the phone. If they are irresponsible about the
little stuff - What does this mean when we get to the bigger stuff that actually
matters?
If They can handle and take the responsibility issue into a realm which is not overly common by the current norms and means, this is the type of person who ideally you should seek. These people do not hold the slave responsible for failing to learn; We fault Ourselves for not being able to teach. If the lesson is learned via abuse, it is not learned, it is enforced, and that is the epitome of the embodiment of the old ways. The same ways, which have been shown, and are proven to have failed to serve us as Humanity for generations and time untold. The new ways demand bringing your slave into the same circle of understanding and comprehension as You share, and from there, being able to teach this constructively, and responsibly, not domineer, enforce, over run, manipulate, or otherwise fail to consider the full extent and ramifications of the behaviour and activities, which You applaud until Your hands are raw, while attempting to holding the slave who only wants to run.
Responsibility goes both ways and will be expected of both of you, which is why it is so important that you …
8) CLARIFY OF YOUR OBLIGATIONS
- Money. Time. Emotional. Energy. You should be willing at some point to
intelligently discuss what you are able and willing to provide to the top. This
is not the same issue as explored in #2 where we briefly looked at your desires,
this is where you make sure it is very clearly laid out to you what is expected
of you, what is desired of you, and what is not wanted and desired from you.
If the Dominant wants 6 hours a day and you can only provide 6 hours every 2
weeks, you know this is going to get ugly. If you know the Dominant will ask
you contribute to them financially and yet your finances will not permit this,
you know you are going to have a problem. Even if a Top is not a professional
it is considered well mannered and wise to provide some degree of assistance and
help if for no other reason than to emphasize your worth, or to show your
sincerity, to contribute and provide for the Home.
You don’t have to pay the rent, or buy a new car, but offering to cover the
cost of Internet for instance, if you are desiring to be an Internet slave is
both respectful and responsible of you, do not assume this will mean the Top
will drop everything the moment you appear online. Time and the way this time
is spent is one of the considerations of your obligations, and not all slaves
have 3 hours a day to spend catering to the demands of another. It is better
you tell the Top that the requests are unrealistic and remove yourself from the
situation should it become negative or abusive, than to lie and claim you are
following directions which to you make no sense.
Will They allow you to love and be in love with Them, or is this going to cause some contention and difficulty as well? What happens if with simple time and contact you move from service out of the desire to serve, to service out of love, how will They respond to this, should it happen? One who won’t accept love, will not be able to give or share love either, and will spurn your attempts at giving it. How will this feel when it happens time and again, how will you feel about yourself? Being aware of all of these different things is important and worth considering when you are making your choice in a Dominant.
Most tops require, even demand
some form of compensation. Whether they are professional or not is of little
relevance. They may require that you provide equipment or clothing, they may
have use of your skills, they may ask you to undertake some of Their running
around, regardless the form it is still compensation.
You may not agree with "assisting" them. These people however spent their
time and energy arranging a night of desire for you. They have spent lots of
time and energy learning about your forms of play, and desires, before you even
met. They spend their money on equipment, and their skills are paramount to
the whole thing succeeding.
The question to be asking yourself is that if you are to be serving them, why
then do you feel it is your privilege to refuse a returning of this effort,
time, energy and other items of service?
9) BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR INNER ALARMS - Got a bad feeling on this one? Do the stories not make any sense; do the realities not mesh with the tales? Are you becoming concerned and uncomfortable but for whatever reason avoiding facing this inconsistency, this failure of cohesion? There are other Tops available, you will be able to find one, but not if we all continue to collectively tolerate the overbearing, abusive tendencies of the enforcers and intimidators, the manipulators and those who seem to believe they are above and beyond the rules and norms. We cannot expect anything else, let alone surpass our currently stunted position of excusing and tolerating such abuse until we accept these truths within ourselves, and the realities of the situation. If something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. There are exceptions to every rule, and there are fools born every minute. Be careful upon which side of that coin you are placed.
Do not settle for an explanation
that makes no sense. Do not tolerate behaviour, which is unsuitable, unbecoming
or inappropriate. Do not be coerced into relinquishing that which you are not
ready to give, whether the phone number, your job, your children, or your
reputation. Some have allowed Others to strip these things away from them only
to turn 60, be abandoned and alone. These poor sots have given their income for
the entire of their lives to various people, their knees are shot from kneeling,
their backs are hunched from the constant stooping, their bodies are scarred and
ruined, beaten, starved, neglected and abused. There is nothing sexy about
someone in diapers because of anal reaming until inconsistency is reached, be
clear that if such things are the goals; what your position will become, and
where you will end up. Make sure you always have a fall back plan, a security
of some sort, but never ever ignore your little voice.
No matter how much you might want to discount or ignore what your innermost
self knows, it will always be wisest to listen attentively to yourself. Saving
yourself the pain and time of a relationship gone wrong may mean the difference
between being ready for the real thing when you do find it, or being left
stuck somewhere that says They are fully and completely out of your league.
Do not expect to be rescued. Do not expect to have some secret guardian angel
see your torment. Do not anticipate that one day something will happen to alter
your circumstances, other than you taking responsibility for where you are right
now today, exploring.
If your alarms are going off, if
you find yourself feeling more uncertain than excited, if you find yourself
being stressed out about contact … Pay attention to these signals and alarms and
please, for all of us, walk away. There are more than enough horror stories and
statistics out there; you really do not need to become one of them. You need to
be true to yourself and your own inner knowing. It may be the difference
between life and death; Between injury and happiness, between feeling used or
appreciated.
This is why it is important you do not go rushing in, sometimes in the
distraction and “rush” of a new relationship we don’t hear those alarms, other
times we think we can overlook the discord, and invariably come to find we are
unable to ignore it as hoped.
You need to have direction and bearing, you need to have given this a lot of
thought, put in some research, and have spent time with a mentor or two who has
assisted you with the worst of the mental mayhem without collaring you. Now you
feel you’re almost there, but you still need to …
10) KNOW WHAT TO ASK - And listen to their replies. Hesitations and long pauses are not a good sign, but neither are loose lips and an inability to hush. If you are clear on what you want then you should have some idea as to the questions you need to pose, and the answers that you would like to hear. Asking to speak with a current or previous bottom (or Top) is not out of line at this juncture, and should be happening before such a time as you are claimed and collared, not afterwards. After all if they were responsible then this should not be a problem. Speaking to another bottom may also get you some of those answers to the questions that you are uncomfortable asking the dominant directly.
If you are clear on your
desires, your obligations, the future possibilities, the needs, the direction
and the things, which drive your prospective Dominant, you should find that the
questions come easily.
On this note I’d like to point out that although many cry there is much game
playing going on in the scene, that the potentiality for misunderstanding,
miscommunication, and outright misrepresentation do not begin to negate the
value of your perception. Sometimes what is seen as playing games is truthfully
self-protection, or uncertainty. Knowing what to ask and what it is you need to hear is vital to knowing where you will be able to go with the relationship
and situation, and indeed if you feel it is even worth your while to continue
pursuing.
If you do not know what to ask,
are stumbling around in the dark and are willing to take the bait of anyone who
seems to be appropriate to you, you are making yourself a victim and a target, a
willing accomplice in the crime that you yourself are perpetrating; A crime of
passion, sure, but self-abusive nonetheless. You may not see it today, or
tomorrow but at some point the realization will come to you that there was sense
buried
in these pages, and you in brushing off this information, brushed off
your greatest asset; Your own mind, your own right to initial choice, your own
pride and strength in accomplishment. If you are forced, manipulated and
coerced after all … there can be no accomplishment. There can only be a
breaking of the will, a torment of the spirit, a confining of the soul, and a
slow and certain death of the most beautiful being known as you.
Losing that would be a tragedy, and as it is you they would accept; knowing how
they might undertake to change or alter you, physically, mentally, personally,
attitude wise and sociologically are all very pertinent and reveling questions.
If you know what you need to know, if you have that confidence and ability to
discuss things, if you are clear and well mannered, then knowing what to ask and
how to ask it should come as no problem to you, so long as you maintain
direction and focus.
Do not allow yourself to be caught up in the role-playing or the fantasy. No
matter what your partner professes to you, you still have to remember that …
11) EXPERIENCE DOES NOT
NECESSARILY EQUATE TO WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR - There are numerous tops out
there who are experienced, and seem to believe they know everything.
They will claim to know exactly what you want, and how you want it done. To
talk about it is fine, but anyone can talk. Is what they profess to know what
you are really looking for? Or are They simply talking to hear themselves
gloat, and not listening to you at all? These people as a rule are prone to not
responding to you, or your attempts at communication. If they do not hear your
voice and mouth talk, they will never hear what your body is telling them.
If They are experienced only as
a professional, you can be assured that the sessions they have done were all
pre-scripted, pre-paid, and pre-arranged. If you are applying as a personal
slave this means doing the laundry, the dishes, cleaning the toilets and
cleaning up the dungeon at the end of the “working day” – Your chosen idol is
not likely to desire to play with you, nor should you assume that they will know
how to, after all you have not issued a script and a fee. If the experience and
abilities they have, and the sessions and desires you discuss together correlate
with your desires, then go for it. But be wary of those out there who will say
anything on the quest for the almighty glory, power, fame, and dollar crusade.
It is your responsibility to make the correct choice in tops. It is not
accepted as Their obligation to accommodate your particular desires, to be
honest with you, to be sane with you, to be consensual with you, nor to provide
you with amusement. Unfortunately that’s the way of things out here right now.
Hopefully given time and the lot of us working together to alter this we can
make some headway through the mess. All too many times this is tolerated, and
encouraged by the very bottoms that in their quest for abusive patterns see this
as a “mind fuck” rather than being dishonest or fraudulent. They tell you they
will do this and that, They will cater to this and that, and then when you
finally come to them nothing was as it was portrayed, and yet these sorry
pathetic souls still stay put. Let them. You don’t have to. Turn around and
walk right back out …
In finding an appropriate top you may find that you have to look outside your immediate area. Doing this can mean the difference between being happy or miserable. However I think you will find that a once a month happy, fulfilling visit is far more productive, than a bi-weekly session that goes against the grain.
I’ve taken the question “What is
important – or what do you look for in a Top?” out many times over the years,
and with the help of many venues of approach, I have asked multitudes of bottoms
all over the planet, that very question, and I have received many different
answers back from those I’ve asked, but the one very obvious answer which I have
never received is the one which I believe is the true issue at hand, and that is;
Integrity.
The various words which tend to be favored in describing the meaning of the
word, integrity are oddly also the same words that bottoms choose to use to
describe what they seek in a Dominant. They use words like; completeness,
absoluteness, coherence, entireness, perfection, purity, simplicity,
staunchness, steadfastness,
credibility, believability, steadiness, surety, tenacity, trustiness,
trustworthiness, truthfulness, unchangeableness, soundness, stability, totality,
adherence, honesty, attachment, bonding, comprehensibility, concordance,
congruity, connection, consistency, constructive, continuity, corresponding,
determination, devotedness, accountability, firmness, honesty, honor, passion,
permanence, perseverance, principles, inseparability, inseparableness, unity …
These things are not just missing from those wishing to become involved in the leather community and world, it is missing from the world on the whole. The difference is that in the outside world you have courts, laws and friends who will help you and come to your aid. In Our world I am a pariah, the leper, the “unsafe and insane,” while at the same time such people as would decry Me do all in their power to remove Me from influence because they … as you … know what I am saying is truth, not fiction.
I have chosen My partner, and
that partner is this battle which is fought daily, without sense, without
direction, without cause. This is why I walk beside you all freely, without
restraints or demands, without picking your pockets and without making demands
of you; because I believe in what I preach and I stand beside My accusations of
prolific abuse of power and right within the scene, at all levels of the scene,
from the inept to the advanced, to the grand ol’ guard.
How this is addressed by you in your own dealing with such people is up to you
and left to your discretion, but I’d recommend avoiding them entirely, and
focusing your efforts in more appropriate and productive directions. Focusing
on that which does not serve you, serves no one in the end. Focusing on that
which serves another , serves both of you in the end. When you are ready to
chose your Dominant, remember this is not a game, not a small step, not to be
taken lightly. Go into it with your eyes open and your ears attached to your
brain, go into it with reverence and tenacity. Go into it with conviction and
grace, but be firm with your limits – Draw the lines clearly, and do not allow
your freedom and choice to be stolen from you by one of the less scrupulous
among us. You are supposed to choose the Dominant, and giving them more than a
mere signal of interest and desire on your part to pursue the relationship.
Stalking and manipulation are criminal activities, do not allow yourself to be
victimized.
If you take the appropriate precautions and follow the advice your instances
of insanity should be reduced, but they will probably never be eradicated. Be
careful, be open to possibility, but be vigilant in your care of your own
future, you do have one.
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