" About Slavery " a copy righted manuscript; copyright 1994, 2000, 2001, 2005   D.Vyne...  And hosted on sinpages.com - Please - Do not reprint, repost, or otherwise duplicate these files in full, or in part without express written authorization of the copyright holder, to do so is to risk criminal persecution and contempt of the community at large.  If you replicate without consent, the rest of your site is trash - Safe - Sane - Consensual - Fun - Between adults - keep it healthy

DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE? A PERSONAL TRUTH

  Just where does everyone get off telling each other what is Dominance or submission?  Our version of this change with each contact, and our own moods, it changes with education and exposure, with time and experience, with perspective and attitude.  This changes with season and situation with timing and supervision.  Its so very indefinable that to be telling someone they are not Dominant based on a short conversation is somewhat less than well mannered and appropriate, be thankful they don’t in turn tell you what they think of you and are so much better mannered than to speak out of turn.

  So you're wondering how one will come to the conclusion of their being either dominant or submissive. This is not a permanent thing and is completely open to change, or further thought and investigation.  But everyone will fall into one of the two categories more than the other. Where you will fit in is what I will attempt to help you discover at this point.  What your general reactions and responses to the events in your life are or have been, what you are most comfortable with managing or handling, how you carry yourself, all of these things factor into the equation.
  There are no hard and fast rules regarding this issue.  Just as with most facets of domination and submission everything is left open to change, and should be.  But there are some general guidelines that may help you in your own personal discovery.  Let's investigate ...

In your current and past relationships who wore the boots?
What tactics are you known to use to gain control of the situation as desired and needed?
Are you a creative person with an active imagination, or would you rather sit back and watch?
Have you ever practiced self-bondage or inflicting of pain upon yourself?
Do you enjoy being stared at, desired, watched?
In your fantasy life are you the one taking advantage, or being taken advantage of?
In reality are your needs being met? And if not would a change of roles make a difference?
Do you have any degree of difficulty receiving or following orders, suggestions or demands?
If an admirer became a stalker would you hide from them (submissive response) or meet them head on (dominant response)? 
How much fear would you have knowing this person came to you as a masochist, is twice your size, and is in a furry?
How would you handle such a situation, or diffuse it?
Do you prefer to be in control of situations, or do you crave others to be in a superior position?
If something isn't going as you had planned can you come up with alternatives on the spot?
Do you wish to turn your fantasies into reality, or cater to someone else?
Do you worry excessively about your faults, or think that people should overlook them?
Are you comfortable being in control, of all situations and people?
Are you able to use the control effectively?
Do you enjoy planning, and arranging special events and evenings?
How emotionally responsive are you when upset, happy, frustrated, etc?
Do you feel comfortable making the first move sexually, and otherwise?
Are you comfortable with your own sexuality?
Are you able to demand being pleased as you desire to be pleased?
Are you the person usually giving the gifts or receiving them?
How do you respond to being complimented, flattered, and spoiled?
Are you responsible enough to take responsibility of someone else mentally, and emotionally?
Are you truly ready for that depth of commitment to anyone?
Do you trust people enough to put your life, mind, and body in someone else's hands?
Does the unknown scare you, or do you enjoy the discovery?
Do you derive more personal joy from making other people happy, or being pleased yourself?
Is there any pleasing you, or are you forever demanding more and better?
Do you enjoy being the center of attention?
Are you confident when telling people off or do you buckle and cave in when they retort?
Realistically are you too shy to be on either side of this coin?
Do you like the nudity, or do you prefer to get all fussed and trussed, all pretty and beautiful and stay that way?
Are you extroverted or introverted?
How politically savvy and motivated are you and can you manage the politics of a stable or D/s household well?
Do you have problems with your own nudity?
Have you felt in your past relationships (or were you desirous of) a non-equal situation?
Are you able to, or do you try to get your own way, even after you have been told no?
Does the human mind fascinate you with its workings?
Are you self-confident enough to handle criticism and guidance?
On a scale of 1-10 where would you put your self-esteem?
How reliable and timely are you and are you able to be?
  Are you calm and rational and the sort to act first so you always know what is going on, or are you the sort to get all worked up and in a tizzy and react to things after they have happened and always seem to be behind the game?

  After you have taken a few minutes to write down your answers to these questions, read your answers. Now look at them in a more objective and less hormonal light. You might have thought yourself a bottom only to see now that you are more likely to be satisfied as a Top. Or you may have seen yourself as a Top and now rethinking your position. Or perhaps you have just discovered that really you are both...You are a split.
  Most commonly people come into the scene thinking we are of one persuasion only to discover that given time and investigation, we are truly of the other.  This can be attributed to the lack of quality optional education open to the bottom, and the inability of those desiring to learn to find appropriate, manageable, useful and focused material on the matter.
  There are no right or wrong answers to the questions. You like to be pleased, everyone does. A Top pleases a bottom mentally, and physically and ongoing service and devotion is commonly accepted as the reward. But then can't the same be said for the bottom pleasing their Top, while citing the same outcome?  The issue is not in what is done, but the perspective from which it is done, and whether or not succeeding at what it is you set out to accomplish is of utmost importance to you, or is it merely a flight of fancy.

  Those who distract easily will tend not to make very good Dominants, and those who are very analytical and logical will find they will have a heck of a time finding a Top who is appropriate and suitable to them.  There are those who top from the bottom, and tops who bottom from the side.  There are professional bottoms who call themselves professional dominants, and there are those who simply pull their hair out in frustration trying to find some sanity in all of this mayhem.  Some will switch sides, some will continue to persevere, and some will give up and walk away, unresolved.

  We are all Dominant, we are all submissive, we are all always working to find the most rewarding and balancing aspects of both worlds, both realities, both genders even.  To try to relegate the issue of dominance and submission purely to the issue of your kink or fetish is to commit scene suicide.  You will find yourself really unhappy, really fast, and working like stink to talk your way out of it.  You are more than your fetish or kink, you are more than a doll to be dressed up, and shown off.  You are far more than a strumpet, a poppet, a pet, or a toy. 
  You are a human being underneath everything else, and the human under the Goddess needs hugs and coddling and closeness just as much as the Goddess wants to be worshipped.  This does not mean that I think you should have to choose one or the other, but it means that the community and world in general is not yet ready for you to explore this as would be ideal, and most rewarding.  For now we are relegated to a mostly unaware group, society, community, and world. 

  For now it is up to all of us to each individually show the tenacity and gumption to call each other to bear on the indiscretions, on the in-discrepancies, on the errors of the past.  If something doesn’t work it doesn’t work, and you have every right as either a Top or as a bottom it becomes your place and duty to ask your partner why it is that when history and the past show us such techniques prove to be without merit and long term benefit, why they continue to be so commonly turned to.

  But I hope that little exercise helped to clear up at least some of your uncertainty, ultimately though it comes down to where you are most comfortable and what is required in order for you to attain that comfort level, regardless of the quandary or quotient.

  As stated earlier there are no rules that say you cannot be one person's bottom and another's Top.  Or that you are unable to change roles after experimenting with one, particularly if the role you are in leaves you feeling less than fulfilled.  You might run into some degree of adversity in your attempt to switch, or do both.  But you must make the decisions about what is best for you, and how you get the most enjoyment from any particular activity.  And as with anything in life your most important goal is to be true to yourself.
  If you try both roles and are still left feeling less than adequate, somewhat taken advantage of, and generally displeased with how things went you have a few options. These are: to talk it over with your partner and see if you can come to some agreement about your next session.  To put it on hold until you feel better equipped to deal with things (in either role).  Take the time and effort to seek out an alternative partner.  Find someone who is willing to help you figure out what is really going on in your psychosexual realm. Or the final option is to decide to leave your fantasies remaining in the realm of unexplored fantasies.

  In the end domination and submission is something that happens everyday, with every person you speak to. And every time you speak with someone, or look at them, one of you has to be submissive, one of you has to willingly chose to take that role.
  Learn to be comfortable with yourself and your natural tendency to play your role, and suddenly the veils fly off. There you are, in all your glory, being, acting, and reacting as you always wished you would.

  All it takes is time, confidence, and either an education... or a mentor.

  A time will come to us when we are able to be completely free in our sexuality, in our desires, and in Ourselves, that time however has not yet come.  Until people decide to take responsibility for their actions, their decisions, the repercussions of those actions and choices, and have the scruples to admit their errors and work to correct their wrongs this is just as much of an ideal as your dream of the perfect situation.  It is out there, and it can happen but man it’s not going to be an easy road, or a short journey.  It will not come without personal loss and much pain, and as no one is willing to work to that end you are wisest to either walk away yourself, or realize you are in for one heck of a stormy ride, and buckle up kids.

  There is also this innate problem within our world to separate the fetishists from the submissives and I’m not understanding why this is, however it is worthy to note that someone who has a great fetish for something does not suddenly equate to being a great slave because of this.  Just because someone has a fetish does not mean they will ever  necessarily equate to being a good slave, it means they have a fetish, and sometimes that’s quite all it means thank you. 
  Personally I think we need to start separating the fetishists from the submissives and Dominants, however I cannot change the world alone, and we will need to all work together to enable things to change in the future.
  What I can do is show you how these things do or do not make sense, and hope that you too start asking some of the harder questions and demanding some answers.  Enough of these would be “Greats” among us who fail to work for the people and instead work in such a personally serving manner.  This is not a display of dominance, it is a typical display of greed, of inability to nurture, to give back, to provide support for and to do all the things, which a Dominant undertakes to do, and provide. 

  Anyone can put kinky photos and movies on the Internet, anyone can pick up a crop and hit someone with it, and anyone can humiliate and berate another.  None of these things unto themselves make someone anything other than immature, its where its coming from, why it is happening, and where it is going that delineates the person with the sociological issue from the dominant, from the person with an attitude problem, from the nymphomaniac.
  Anyone can get on their knees and follow directions, anyone can pick up a collar and cuffs and slap them on and claim this makes them submissive.  None of those things unto themselves make someone anything other than a probable target and mark.  What changes this is where the capitulation and submission is coming from, why it is being shown, and where the desired direction leads becomes paramount to understanding if this person is self-abusive, self-victimizing, slave, stupid, or sociologically challenged.

  There is not any set and determined way to separate the dominant from the submissive other than to say it is mindset, it is thought process it is tolerance.

  If you find you are not leaning towards either Dominance or submission you just know you have a serious fetish for something, and someone suggested you look into D/s, then by all means please be among the first to step forward and proudly declare yourself by that title.  “I am a fetishist, neither dominant nor submissive – pure kink factor here thanks.” There is absolutely no reason that there cannot be room for the fetishists among us to move into their own realm and carve their own niche while joining us when appropriate, and as they would desire.
  There is no reason to be forcing others to participate in ways they have no desire to, nor in activities which do not interest them, and We use the word consent far too loosely, and oftentimes interchangeably with the word which should be coerce.
  Coercion isn’t Dominance either, it’s outright manipulation, it’s a contrivance of control and an ongoing battle of the wits, a battle that will get tiring long before you think it will, don’t do it, it’s stealing control.  No one respects someone who steals from them, and to wrest control from another without their consent should be considered one of the most severest abuses of power possible within our community, for this in the end becomes the item to which so many point to when asked what this is about.
  This is not about thievery, manipulation, coercion or enforcement.  This is about control, about empowerment, about self-discipline, and self-improvement.

  A bottoms top priority will always be pleasing and appeasing another, will always be the decision to perpetually follow directions, will always be about fulfilling their partner before themselves.  Being a bottom means finding a certain peace and acceptance within yourself no matter the situation, or outcome or position you are placed in, or asked to place yourself in. 
  Submission isn’t about mindless capitulation; it is about submitting yourself for inspection, and your efforts to scrutiny.  Submission means a willingness and desire to be lifted to a height and destination that for whatever reason you do not believe you can attain on your own.  Submission is about working with and beside someone and doing their bidding in an effort to further their progress.  Submission is about working together in an effort to achieve and attain a greater goal than you could accomplish on your own, reach a greater height than you could alone, and touch more lives more deeply than you might have alone.

 

  As a  Dominant Your top priority will always be self control, will always be the decision to act; not react, will always be about directing the final outcome of each and every situation.  Being a Dominant means not being frustrated because other people are less then put together, it means knowing how to encourage, push and demand the best out of everyone around you, in every context, at all times, and get it. 
  Being a Dominant however should not mean that You have a predisposition to abuse or a lack of concern for your mate or partner.  It should signify a desire to uplift and support another, it means a willingness to counsel to guide, to nurture, and to protect.  While the bottoms are all busy gossiping, You as the Top will be busy making arrangements and preparing for the next event, finishing the cleaning up, and probably trying to learn something at the same time.  You will have no time for Yourself even though everyone will believe You do nothing for Yourself.  You will be whined at, yelled at, treated like the punching bag on whom every reflection of the injustices of the world are etched.  They will try to bribe You, buy you and entice you into accepting their pleas.

  Neither side is a cakewalk, both have advantages and disadvantages, but is it not up to you to make a choice is it.  If this isn’t a game for you then it’s not about picking, its about realizing, about accepting yourself, about coming to grips with your own position within the world and the dynamic and position in which you would be most useful and make the most progress.
  Where will you personally feel the most rewarded, the most vindicated?  Where will you be able to make the most impact in the manner you’d prefer to make it? 
  As I said this isn’t about choice, it’s about self-confession, it’s about self-realization.  This is one of your first moments of self-empowerment on this path known as life.  What you do with this realization is up to you, but no one else can accept you until you learn to be comfortable with, and accept it within yourself.  This is a part of you, for whatever reason it is who you are, and what makes you tick, denying your personal truth will harm no one but you in the end – Be true to yourself, and be aware of your motivations, if you are desiring to hurt someone you might want to be sure you will not become overzealous in the moment.  If you have this penchant for being hurt, for self-abuse, or for exploitation then it is up to you to know this, and refrain from the occasional desire, which will appear screaming to destroy the Dominant.  In these moments you will be wisest to seek nurturing, support and guidance of someone who is supportive, understanding, and accepting of your position.  To turn on your dominant is to beg the fight to begin, but when you find these moments you must work to realize that you are not calling to question your submission itself, but rather the reason and cause of your submission; The source of the pull, the seed of need.

  Do not look to hard though, as you’re not too likely to find it.  Some people argue that those of us in this world are all this way because of our pasts, whether we endured perceived abuse, were conditioned and trained by society on the whole, have been religiously coerced and manipulated into positions of submission, lived through military programming, or have learned this placement in response to others around us.  Conversely that Dominance is a learned survival instinct and tactic of the strongest of those who have endured such moments.

  We could say that assuming this is true, we all share a common bond, a common thread of continuity, a single point of integrity.  What we chose to do with that is entirely up to us, but I can think of a few interesting possibilities which I will share with you here.
  We could work together to become more public and using this particular “pity clause” point (perhaps erroneously) to the fact we have been conditioned to such behaviours and responses, and that to berate, harass or otherwise cause distress to anyone in the community is to re-victimize the victims.
  We could work together to stop the abuse; the misunderstanding and the contempt, in an effort to further remove the abusive patterns and habits, which are prevalent in our community. 
  We could raise awareness of STD’s and associated concerns of such “risky activity” while working to educate the public about Our Own world, community, morals, ethics and standards.
  We could help those among Us who need to get help, to get it.  We would have access to scene friendly lawyers, doctors, psychologists, and the like to further enable the effort.
  We could stop the constant battling amongst Ourselves and realize we are never going to fully agree with anyone, and expecting to is as unrealistic as thinking you’re going to fit into that latex dress before the next event.

  I’ve also been running across a current mentality which says that everyone within the scene is supposed to just “tolerate and accept,” everyone within the scene.  Whoever the brainless wonder is pushing this junk need to have their head read, and whether Dominant or submissive you are not only entitled to Your opinion, but within the bounds of the law, situation, and event you are entitled to enforce it, which is to say – feel free to take action when you feel something is terribly wrong, or otherwise out of place.
  If you are correct steps will be taken to rectify the situation, of you are mistaken you will no doubt get a quick education in what it is you are misunderstanding, and why it is you are misunderstanding.  Either way no one can fault you for being responsible.  You may not make a whole lot of friends, but the people who are attracted to you will be of a whole different variety than you were attracting when you were watching the victimization and an accomplice by virtue of silence.
  I am not saying if you think something is amiss to run off and get police involved, what I am saying is there are, or should be authority figures present at all play parties and functions, they are called DM’s or Dungeon Monitors.  Feel free to call the concern to their attention.  If the situation is in a private location but the person is a known member of any club, organization or group, feel free to speak with the area head, the leader of the pack, or the head hancho.

  If all else fails and no one want to listen to you – as a submissive you might foolishly chose to stay and endure because someone with more brass than brains has probably taught you that to be submissive means to be emotionally destroyed and maimed.  This is not true.  Go home, cry – talk to someone who will help you with your resulting mental melt down, and find a group more to your speed and understanding.  If there is no such group in your area, perhaps it is time to consider starting one.

  Whether you are dominant or submissive, this is your own personal truth, what you do with that truth will decide much of the rest of your life, even if you try to deny it.

" About Slavery " a copy righted manuscript; copyright 1994, 2000, 2001, 2005   D.Vyne...  And hosted on sinpages.com - Please - Do not reprint, repost, or otherwise duplicate these files in full, or in part without express written authorization of the copyright holder, to do so is to risk criminal persecution and contempt of the community at large.  If you replicate without consent, the rest of your site is trash - Safe - Sane - Consensual - Fun - Between adults - keep it healthy

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